Nearly Lost The Baby

Had a close shave yesterday... ...

Wasn't feeling good in the morning so decided to take the day off. Mustered all the energy I had to bring kiddos to school before coming back to my all too familiar toilet bowl to merlion, then off for a nap I went. When I woke up, thought I had pee-ed in my pants, only to realise that my pants were filled with blood, so was the floor with a pool of fresh blood, the exact enactment of how they play miscarriages in movies and all!

Mum was struck dumb at the sight! Thankfully, MY ONE came back for lunch then. Off to the hospital we went with me crying myself crazy in the car. MY ONE was his usual calm self, reassuring me that all was well. I kept replaying the day's and yesterday's incidents in my head to reassure myself that I really didn't do anything funny. I was resting and all... ... Think it was guilt that I was trying to avoid.

But it was that moment that I started to realise how badly I wanted to have this baby and how irresponsible I had been, deliberating for the longest time whether to keep it or not and blaming it for all the mishappenings at work and at home. I started to bargain with God, just like what Sharon taught me the night before. Please let this baby survive. I know this is a warning. I wouldn't take it lightly from now onwards and would do all I can to bring and celebrate this new life into this world.

It didn't help that my gynea's first words to me were, "Let's do the scan now. If it's a miscarriage at 11 weeks, it will be very obvious!" Tears rolled down immediately. I couldn't bring myself to look at the scan pictures until I heard the heartbeat. "Baby is still doing okay, vital signs are alright. Bleeding could be due to strains from all the severe vomiting which cause blood vessels to rupture or could be due to the placenta taking over the function during this time."

Didn't want to be warded. So now it's strict bed rest and cocktail of medication, amidst the bleeding. I've learnt my mistake. To those reading this post, please pray that the baby will do okay.

Nigel's Night Message

Received this from Nigel, one evening last week when I was at home between the toilet bowl and bed the whole day... ...don't mind the spelling, my boy is still trying to get his spelling right though he's currently on the drive to read 10 books a day so as to get his sweet cravings satisfied.

"Dear Mummy,
How are you fillig (feeling) at home. Are you good? I am werat (worried) abut (about) you. Have you been good?"
Love Nigel"

Melt right, wouldn't you? More so since this message came right after the night I scolded him for being a nuisance in school. One more on the way so that there will be more to love and be loved?

Wavering ... ...

I am still struggling, especially when the feeling of sea-sickness strikes everyday and every minute of my waking time. All these while coping with daily demands of kids' schedule, routines, homework and work. Honestly, I feel really bad towards my kids and not only mine, others too, I mean my students, having to face a sea-sicked teacher all the time, moody, black-faced and all. One who can't seem to summon enough energy to even stand straight on some days, much lest about delivering a good lesson. When will this end, I really wonder. Nothing seems to work, save for beer, but how? Drink beer everyday? Whilst at work? Definitely not!

Been waking up in the wee hours of the morning just to throw up gastric juice and blood. The churning just keeps me awake for the rest of the morning. Is this worse because I have aged or because I am still nursing Noah?

How long more can I last I wonder?