To Mum

(Last selfie we took on my birthday in the hospital)

I couldn’t sleep much last night. I had thought that the years and months of journeying alongside would have prepared me, yet I overestimated my ability to process and deal with emotions. I was inconsolable in the Grab ride home, the driver had to stop several times to ask if I was alright. I was scrolling through the last few text messages that she had sent months ago when she was able to. Other than Nick, mum was the only other person who would check in whether I had my lunch, I had enough rest, nagged that I don’t work so hard and to take care of myself, stocked up walnuts in my office so that I don't go hungry and above all texted that she loves me… …Some say the relationship between mum-in-law and daughter-in-law is more an art than science. We are blessed with that chemistry, perchance we are both Geminis who can’t make up our minds, much to angst of Nick and dad.

Despite coming from a single-parent and humble family background, mum welcomed me into hers with open arms. She was always one of the cheer leaders for some my wackiest plans and ideas that some other mums-in-law would have frowned upon, e.g. traveling overseas to do a Masters while leaving the kids behind and carrying one, taking part in pageant, even the recent PhD programme. In fact, she wanted to pay for my daily taxi rides to and fro Cornell campus when she heard that I had to walk an hour while carrying Noah then. Not forgetting, she was my most fervent cheer leader during the pageant.

Mum taught me one of the greatest lessons in faith. While wheeling her for her 15-hour whipple procedure, she was a figure of peace, calm, serenity, faith and confidence. In fact, I was the inconsolable one and she was the one reassuring me that all would be well and to hold on to our faith. Without her and my mum, we wouldn’t be able to manage a family of 5 kids. She was always a call away when we needed someone to fetch the kids to and from places, several times very last minute when work consumed us or when we forgot. Yet, she never chided us, only told us to take care of ourselves and leave the kids to them. I’m glad the kids managed to say their last goodbyes yesterday, of how much they appreciated what she had done for them and their love for her. I told her how grateful I am for all that she has done for me, for her love and that I’m sorry that I couldn’t do more, ask that she not worry about the kids and us and to let go. It was heart wrenching to see her suffer during the last stages. It was a very tearful and emotional goodbye. Though she wasn’t able to respond, I’m certain she heard us and went shortly after.

One of our last memorable moments together were of my birthday. I’m glad to have spent that morning with her in the hospital, she loved the flowers I bought and that we managed to sneak all the kids to the ward that evening to take a family picture. To say she’s a doting grandma is an understatement, she loved them to bits. Last Thurs, I was also prompted to drop everything at work and Grab over. Mum held my hands and we prayed together. It was the most extended period of time that I had with her of late, so serene and peaceful that I almost fell asleep on her bed. Looking at my last Mother’s Day present from her, a facial wash for sensitive skin (yes she knows I have sensitive skin and can only use a selected range of products), I wonder where is she now? She loves the Braised Duck, Mee Siam and Prawn Noodle Soup that I cook. I can’t help but wonder if I’d ever have a chance to cook those for her again… …

Till we meet again mum, I aspire to the mum-in-law you have been to me.