Helplessness Is Really Hard to Bear

Been feeling down lately, plus juggling of work and family, hence the lost of focus and the resulting incidents. Thankfully, though nagging, injuries aren't serious.

One, finally met up with S, a good old pal whom I have kept close in touch with since primary school days, after what it seems like months of missing each other's schedule. However watching her getting so run down shuttling between Sydney & Singapore to care for her mum - Auntie S, who's fighting cancer, is indeed very heart-breaking. S spoke at length about Auntie S' fight and how time and again her love brought Auntie S back from the brink. S' latest post on Facebook touched me to bits, "So many times I held your hand and told you to stay with me. Each time you did. I'm coming home, mum. We are going to get through this with every last ounce of my energy and determination." Though Auntie S is looking very much on the upswing since I last visited her in Dec, that I can't be of any help except in prayers makes me feel helpless. 

Two, been on a child-bearing journey with a colleague - E. She has tried many years and many ways in vain until late last year. When she first shared the good news with me, boy that really took me on a high. She has big plans and dreams for Baby M, a name of biblical significance as truly M was God's gift. Recalled I was so excited to have gone shopping for clothes for baby M during Christmas way before she was due to arrive in April. 

But a drastic turn of events took place early this year. E's water bag ruptured due to an infection and had to be warded till Baby M arrives. The looming developmental complications and costs of neonatal ICU meant that E had to be transferred to a government hospital as a C ward patient. The uncertainty and worries really wore her down. Again other than praying and tearing while sitting by her, there was nothing else I could do. Been sharing with other colleagues that I am definitely not the best "candidate" to go visiting. For my emotions always get the better of me.

Lo and behold, Baby M arrived yesterday at 26 weeks and 815 grams. The road ahead seems really trying for Baby M as a pre-matured baby but yet again, other than prayers, there really nothing I can do to help E. For one, I don't even have the courage to visit lest my emotions wreck havoc.

To witness their struggles and yet not be of help is indeed crippling. Though MY ONE chided that I should be thankful for my brood and my mum's pink of health, there's a huge part of me living in fear for I wonder when will IT hit me. By that, I meant the helplessness to help my very loved ones more than anything else.