Close Shave

It's almost like I have been through hell and back, hence this post, after almost 2 years of hiatus.

Been a spate of health issues lately, starting with an infected stye which had to be surgically removed under sedation. They say once bitten twice shy, had 2 removed many years ago under local anesthesia and vowed never to do so again. It's really very scary having your eyes operated on while one is awake, complete with pus and blood oozing out!

Then came the fall in the bathroom which I didn't think anything of as I was perfectly normal after that. Only to feel the shooting pain and numbness from the lower back to the back of the knees and feet days after. Was bearing with it for the whole of last week to complete all the workshops before seeking help on Mon.

And so good friend neuro surgeon suspected slipped discs, admitted me for an MRI scan and follow-up. The prescribed painkillers worked wonders and I was just waiting for the MRI scan results to know where the problem is, confident that I should be discharged soonest. I just needed rest and painkillers I reckoned. I even asked doctor friend if I could discharge myself then. He jokingly text back, "Wait for doctor can?" And of course I did.

Then came the outcome, "Have you been experiencing pain or discomfort on the right side of your body?". To which I replied no of course, I've been all healthy except for the stye and recent fall. 

"We found a 6cm growth on your liver."

I went hysterical, questioning, "Is this a joke, I'm a mother of 5, I've 5 children you know, now is not the time to joke doctor!" Doctor friend kept reassuring me that for all we know, it may be benign. Get a CT scan done and we'd know. But I took in nothing of that. I was inconsolable despite doctor's reassuring words and hugs. I kept screaming, crying and shouting that I'm a mother of 5, don't joke please. Of course now that I think of my responses then, they sounded so illogical, does it mean that the more children one has, one should be granted immunity to sickness?

My world went crashing for the next 6 hours. My mind went blank for a while. I thought of my kids, how unfair life can be, defiance filled me, that I want to watch them grow up, Claire to get married, Nigel to play his nationals, Chloe to be the artist she dreams to be, Noah to build his robots, Nat not to be so naughty. And of course to grow old with my husband Nicholas and to create more memories with my mum. I can't let her send me off, can I? 

I thought of my friends and how long haven't I met each of them. I thought about my funeral, that I'd want live music, alcohol to be served and attendees to play mahjong, dance, make merry and have fun, remembering me for my wacky and bimbotic ways. Then I went back to what about my kids, who's going to take care of them?

I was crying my eyes out while waiting outside the CT scan room, nonchalant to the stares of passers-by. And just before the scan started, I told myself, come what may, I will not go down without a good fight and I stopped crying. All this while, I have yet to inform Nicholas as I knew he had a busy day at work. The least I can do for him is to let him complete his work day with full focus. Neither did I dare to pick up calls from home, I didn't know how to break the news to mum and kids. Instead my boss/mentor/guardian angel had to bear the brunt of my inaudible cries over the phone. Thankful for her reassuring prayers.

The next hour waiting for the results felt like years. And when doctor finally revealed it to be benign, I was elated. The rest was history. I'm just so happy to be home nursing the slipped discs and basking in the company of the family, never mind the inconvenience of immobility. Although there's still work to be done on the growth, I'm just so relieved that it's not a letter C. For I'm already so skinny, chemotherapy will make me invisible for sure :)

Life has taken on a new perspective for me, from now on, for sure :)