Ah Gong and the Apple of his Eyes

This picture was taken when Nigel joined me in one of my weekly visits. Recalled it was one that I felt so cmi...the cai po of his favourite chwee keuh spilling all over, I couldn't fix the metal piece protruding from his dentures, couldn't shift him to a comfortable position, temperature of the tea was too hot for him, etc. Guess it didn't really matter as Dad had his favourite grandson next to him.

Dad and Nigel shared a special bond, perchance because both were born in the year of the sheep, needless to say Dad also favoured grandsons more. He would often give extra pocket money to the kids, beginning with the girls and ending with boys, Nigel being the last, amounts in ascending order. Hence it was both heart-breaking yet funny to hear Nigel's last words to Dad, "Ah gong, thanks for bringing me for all the train rides when I was young, fetching me to classes with Ah ma, the oldies we shared in the car rides and the extra pocket money you gave me." To which Nat said, "But of course, the con grandson always scams his grandparents". My mum does that for Nigel too. I guess for the old folks, the first grandson is very special.

Dad was a super loving and overtly doting grandpa. He knew I had a crash time last week at work and hung on till I have finished the last milestone for the week, rushed over with all the grandkids, said our last goodbyes before he left shortly after. Regretfully, before Nick arrived from JKT and ironically, his granddaughter Claire by his side. It was also poignant that his last lucid words to me were, "Thank you and don't force the kids to do what they don't want to". He knew I can be a real tiger mum. All said, Dad was also a very doting father-in-law. He would often travel by public transport just to deliver our favourite mee pok and ang pows especially before I take off on business trips. It was his way of sending blessings and well wishes for safe and fruitful travels. Thus it was really tough last year to stay on course overseas when he was in ICU.

Guilt overwhelmed me last Friday when he passed on. He had asked to stay with me since he was paralysed from neck down after Mum passed on last Sep. Yet with 5 kids, my Mum and a job, I really could not render the level of care that he deserved. And hence the care giving was largely left to my brothers-in-law. Since Mum left and given Dad's condition, he really suffered, was moody and caring for him was certainly not easy. We really owe it to my elder brother-in-law, Ben, for doing such an excellent job. What I could do with the kids was to visit with his favourite hawker fare, cai tau kueh, chwee kueh, peng kueh, gu cai keuh, rojak, prawn noddle soup, orh luak, etc and spend some good time chatting by his bedside. Recall, he once called to apologise after "scolding" me for a cai tau kueh which wasn't crispy enough and of course I was more amused with his anger over a cai tau kueh. On good days, he would announced on top of his voice to all the care givers that I'm his daughter-in-law, visiting with his favourite food.

As I watch Dad's urn being placed next to Mum's during interment, I take comfort that he's now "hanging out" with mum, chatting about their younger days. He loves Mum so much and has been a role model for his sons in their love for their wives. I am grateful to have been blessed with very loving mum and dad-in-law, who had been ever supportive in bringing up the grandchildren and all my wacky adventures. Glad that I was able to take NPL in 2018 to spend some good time with both. Our shared memories will last me more than this lifetime.

RIP Mum and Dad.

To Mum

(Last selfie we took on my birthday in the hospital)

I couldn’t sleep much last night. I had thought that the years and months of journeying alongside would have prepared me, yet I overestimated my ability to process and deal with emotions. I was inconsolable in the Grab ride home, the driver had to stop several times to ask if I was alright. I was scrolling through the last few text messages that she had sent months ago when she was able to. Other than Nick, mum was the only other person who would check in whether I had my lunch, I had enough rest, nagged that I don’t work so hard and to take care of myself, stocked up walnuts in my office so that I don't go hungry and above all texted that she loves me… …Some say the relationship between mum-in-law and daughter-in-law is more an art than science. We are blessed with that chemistry, perchance we are both Geminis who can’t make up our minds, much to angst of Nick and dad.

Despite coming from a single-parent and humble family background, mum welcomed me into hers with open arms. She was always one of the cheer leaders for some my wackiest plans and ideas that some other mums-in-law would have frowned upon, e.g. traveling overseas to do a Masters while leaving the kids behind and carrying one, taking part in pageant, even the recent PhD programme. In fact, she wanted to pay for my daily taxi rides to and fro Cornell campus when she heard that I had to walk an hour while carrying Noah then. Not forgetting, she was my most fervent cheer leader during the pageant.

Mum taught me one of the greatest lessons in faith. While wheeling her for her 15-hour whipple procedure, she was a figure of peace, calm, serenity, faith and confidence. In fact, I was the inconsolable one and she was the one reassuring me that all would be well and to hold on to our faith. Without her and my mum, we wouldn’t be able to manage a family of 5 kids. She was always a call away when we needed someone to fetch the kids to and from places, several times very last minute when work consumed us or when we forgot. Yet, she never chided us, only told us to take care of ourselves and leave the kids to them. I’m glad the kids managed to say their last goodbyes yesterday, of how much they appreciated what she had done for them and their love for her. I told her how grateful I am for all that she has done for me, for her love and that I’m sorry that I couldn’t do more, ask that she not worry about the kids and us and to let go. It was heart wrenching to see her suffer during the last stages. It was a very tearful and emotional goodbye. Though she wasn’t able to respond, I’m certain she heard us and went shortly after.

One of our last memorable moments together were of my birthday. I’m glad to have spent that morning with her in the hospital, she loved the flowers I bought and that we managed to sneak all the kids to the ward that evening to take a family picture. To say she’s a doting grandma is an understatement, she loved them to bits. Last Thurs, I was also prompted to drop everything at work and Grab over. Mum held my hands and we prayed together. It was the most extended period of time that I had with her of late, so serene and peaceful that I almost fell asleep on her bed. Looking at my last Mother’s Day present from her, a facial wash for sensitive skin (yes she knows I have sensitive skin and can only use a selected range of products), I wonder where is she now? She loves the Braised Duck, Mee Siam and Prawn Noodle Soup that I cook. I can’t help but wonder if I’d ever have a chance to cook those for her again… …

Till we meet again mum, I aspire to the mum-in-law you have been to me.

Close Shave

It's almost like I have been through hell and back, hence this post, after almost 2 years of hiatus.

Been a spate of health issues lately, starting with an infected stye which had to be surgically removed under sedation. They say once bitten twice shy, had 2 removed many years ago under local anesthesia and vowed never to do so again. It's really very scary having your eyes operated on while one is awake, complete with pus and blood oozing out!

Then came the fall in the bathroom which I didn't think anything of as I was perfectly normal after that. Only to feel the shooting pain and numbness from the lower back to the back of the knees and feet days after. Was bearing with it for the whole of last week to complete all the workshops before seeking help on Mon.

And so good friend neuro surgeon suspected slipped discs, admitted me for an MRI scan and follow-up. The prescribed painkillers worked wonders and I was just waiting for the MRI scan results to know where the problem is, confident that I should be discharged soonest. I just needed rest and painkillers I reckoned. I even asked doctor friend if I could discharge myself then. He jokingly text back, "Wait for doctor can?" And of course I did.

Then came the outcome, "Have you been experiencing pain or discomfort on the right side of your body?". To which I replied no of course, I've been all healthy except for the stye and recent fall. 

"We found a 6cm growth on your liver."

I went hysterical, questioning, "Is this a joke, I'm a mother of 5, I've 5 children you know, now is not the time to joke doctor!" Doctor friend kept reassuring me that for all we know, it may be benign. Get a CT scan done and we'd know. But I took in nothing of that. I was inconsolable despite doctor's reassuring words and hugs. I kept screaming, crying and shouting that I'm a mother of 5, don't joke please. Of course now that I think of my responses then, they sounded so illogical, does it mean that the more children one has, one should be granted immunity to sickness?

My world went crashing for the next 6 hours. My mind went blank for a while. I thought of my kids, how unfair life can be, defiance filled me, that I want to watch them grow up, Claire to get married, Nigel to play his nationals, Chloe to be the artist she dreams to be, Noah to build his robots, Nat not to be so naughty. And of course to grow old with my husband Nicholas and to create more memories with my mum. I can't let her send me off, can I? 

I thought of my friends and how long haven't I met each of them. I thought about my funeral, that I'd want live music, alcohol to be served and attendees to play mahjong, dance, make merry and have fun, remembering me for my wacky and bimbotic ways. Then I went back to what about my kids, who's going to take care of them?

I was crying my eyes out while waiting outside the CT scan room, nonchalant to the stares of passers-by. And just before the scan started, I told myself, come what may, I will not go down without a good fight and I stopped crying. All this while, I have yet to inform Nicholas as I knew he had a busy day at work. The least I can do for him is to let him complete his work day with full focus. Neither did I dare to pick up calls from home, I didn't know how to break the news to mum and kids. Instead my boss/mentor/guardian angel had to bear the brunt of my inaudible cries over the phone. Thankful for her reassuring prayers.

The next hour waiting for the results felt like years. And when doctor finally revealed it to be benign, I was elated. The rest was history. I'm just so happy to be home nursing the slipped discs and basking in the company of the family, never mind the inconvenience of immobility. Although there's still work to be done on the growth, I'm just so relieved that it's not a letter C. For I'm already so skinny, chemotherapy will make me invisible for sure :)

Life has taken on a new perspective for me, from now on, for sure :)

Devotion Maketh LKY

I had never thought I would tear while reflecting on the demise of Mr. Lee Kuan Yew (Mr. Lee), but I did, right in the office today.

When asked what he did that meant the most to me, I choked when I replied, "Social mobility". He made it possible for any Singaporean to work his way out of poverty towards a decent standard of living through education and hard work. And I am one of the many miracles he had created. Brought up in a single-parent family, my childhood days of worrying for the next meal is now a distant memory because of the equal opportunities to good education and fair employment in this country. And for these I have Mr. Lee to be grateful to. Indeed, regardless of race, language or religion, as long as one puts his mind to work hard, he will be able to provide for his family and do well in his chosen path. Though it's arguable that the lesser privileged may be less mobile as compared to decades ago, let's not forget that there are countries where one is born into a life he has absolutely no control over, no matter how hard he works.

When asked for the leadership qualities that Mr. Lee embodied, I have an acronym to sum them all - VCCD. An extraordinary Visionary needs no further explanation. He was able to rise above the details, above the masses to see possibilities and opportunities that no one else could. It was his vision that brought the nation to where we are today. Having the Courage to overcome all odds to bring his vision to fruition was another hallmark of his leadership. At this point, with the recent left-leaning initiatives and measures, I can't help but ponder if those were the result of this C or the lack of. A voracious ability to Communicate over and over again, be it to gain buy-in or to gather new insights and feedback, yet at the same time have this lingering doubt that his views may not always be right, indeed a leader can never over-communicate. I reflected on a recent exchange when the head of my institution said the exact same words! 

Above all, Devotion maketh the man. Till death, he remained devoted to this country, this nation, his family and his wife. How many can remain so steadfast a whole lifetime? At this point, I felt really grateful towards the Lee family and especially Mrs. Lee for sharing a huge part of Mr. Lee with the nation. They must have made significant sacrifices to support Mr. Lee in this calling.

With the passing of Mr. Lee, approaching SG50 celebration and election, this may be a watershed year for politics in SG. As the Chinese saying goes 化悲偾为力量, I hope this moment of grief will bring citizens from all walks of life to put our political differences aside and work to continue the legacy that Mr. Lee so painfully built with his life.

Afternote:
After paying our respects last night, the whole family went along Clementi Road to send him off for the last time. Though we reached an hour earlier, the street was already lined with like-minded Singaporeans. While waiting patiently for the procession, it was very heartwarming to receive acts of kindness from fellow Singaporeans, e.g. sharing of live streaming, offer of food and water, gestures to share standing area knowing we have many kids in tow, etc. But at the same time, it was heart wrenching to watch from the live streaming that the heavens were also crying for this great man. 

And when the procession finally arrived, it was an overwhelming yet synchronised shouts of his name followed by thunderous applause for the entourage which followed. Despite the on-going showers which got all wet, spirits were high. I teared buckets and so did those around me. I have never felt so Singaporean and so grateful to a man whom I never had personal encounters with.

Words fail to describe my thoughts and emotions. I sincerely wish Mr. Lee well in heaven. May he always watch over Singapore from heaven above and may God bless his soul, his family, especially PM Lee and Singapore. Keeping all in thoughts and prayers.

Rare restful evening ... ...

September has really challenging, especially since MY ONE left. Tonight is one of the rare evenings that I get to take a breather, thanks to Claire who has taken over some of the homework checking for her siblings as she has just completed her examinations today. I could even steal a walk downstairs with Noah without a care in the world! Lucky me!

To be honest, I miss MY ONE very much. The lethal combination of loneliness yet stress with the daily juggling of work and family wears me out. There were nights when I fell asleep even before I hit the bed, not to mention the mornings that I woke up only to realise I was in the act of driving the kids to school.

Before this post spirals downwards to all the downsides, let me be reminded that there were the upsides too. 

Firstly, there was the A&E episode at KK when Nigel was rushed in an ambulance as a result of a fractured collar bone suffered during a badminton competition. So where's the up right? I had to steel myself to not show fear in front of him and the medical personnel. But well my emotions got the better of me when his X-ray film showed that alarming gap in his right collar bone and he had to say "I'm so sorry Mummy" at that very moment. My composure gave way... ...it was too much to bear... ...the fear and the pain of watching him suffer but yet feel helpless... ...thankfully he's on the mend currently and irritating the pain out of his siblings. This episode certainly bonded us closer , all the rushing to fetch him from school so that he doesn't have to risk worsening his injury squeezing with the crowd on board a jerky bus. I'm secretly beginning to fall in love with his sense of humour, just like his dad's... ...always thinking so highly of themselves yet seemingly so comically to 3rd parties.

Then there is princess Chloe, she's really picking up in terms of cleanliness and getting more organised. Occasions that I have to chase her for homework are on the decline, just like this evening when I was pleasantly surprised by her, "All done Mummy!", beaming with pride as I stepped home. And for once we are on top of her examinations revision schedule! But of course there were moments when I didn't know to laugh or cry, e.g. putting "sawdust" on fish to keep them fresh was her answer to a science question... ...time to bring her to the wet market more often... ...not forgetting her packing the clown "mask" when it was the N95 "mask" that her teacher was referring to for a class field trip. Thankfully, we checked her bag the night before, else she'd be made a laughing stock!

Then there are the 2 younger rascals. Noah is still pretty stable as he has always been closer to me than Daddy. But it's not so rosy with Nat. He's been acting up rather easily, stickier than usual during the morning childcare goodbye routines, insisting on holding my hand to sleep every night. But I'm relishing the moments being sandwiched in between the 2 boys at night. Before long, they'd rather have their own beds and space.

And of course, my dearest Claire who has grown alot more independent with less angst. Thankful that she's been managing her daily schedules and examinations revision real well, except for a few physics and maths questions that yours truly had a chance to "assist", and chipping in as and when she can, like tonight.

So a note to self: chin up, head high, the kids are looking to their mummy... ...ever more so during Daddy's absence! 

Apprehension... ...

My composure gave way last Fri at work when his watapp read, “Confirmed. I’d be going for the course”. 

Yes, I’m happy and excited for him for this is an opportunity not to be missed. We have discussed it many moons back when I gave my blessings. As moons came and went, with keen competition and bilateral relationship going south for a while, we had thought it was a no go. But well 人算不如天算。

A week has passed since news broke but I’m still feeling just as unsettled. We have never been apart for more than half a year and now he’d be away for close to one and a half. The logical part of me reads… …

1. He has sacrificed time and again for me to pursue my dream and fantasy, now it’s only right I support him. 
2. It’s only one and a half years, come on. 
3. It’s an advancement not to be missed. 
4. Give the kids a chance to nurture their independence and me too. 
5. I have seen through more trying days when the kids were younger, surely the survivor in me will continue to triumph this time round.

Logic aside, the emotional part of me knows it’d not be easy. I’ve grown to be so reliant on him, my best buddy, my sports trainer, my listening ear, my career coach, my world news update, my car mechanic, my doctor, my shelter from the storms … …(the list goes on) but most importantly my stronger intellectual and emotional half.

I know I have to stay strong for the kids and the folks. But for now, I know I’d be less than half my usual self when Sep comes knocking.

All of 39 Years YOUNG and Reflecting... ...

Yes, age is no secret, today I celebrate my 39th birthday, the last of my thirties and the big four looms. Yet, I have never felt "younger", blessed and determined.

The celebration started last Sunday with my in-laws over at my place eating steamboat and kids blowing my birthday cake on behalf. Though I didn't get to blow the candles but I did make my wish and felt blessed that there was not one but 5 of them to assist with the blowing. Life should be as such, sharing the most important moments, be they happy or sad, with my loved ones. Thanks mum, dad and Ben for the gifts and the kiddos too for "insisting" that all 12 candles must be squeezed onto the small cake :)

THE day began with my mum and 2 girls waking up much earlier than I did, at 530 am to be exact to prepare my favourite red eggs, Vietnamese Spring Rolls and Ice Coffee as my breakfast to be consumed in office. I was touched to tears as my girls have adopted my love language, to prepare food with love for the ones we love. 

My ONE took leave to have lunch and shop with me but not before he surprised me with this big bouquet of roses in office, much to the delight of many who asked who was the "hunk". "Of course my hubby lah", was my reply. Though lunch was simple and shopping minimal with not much damage done to his pocket, but the fact that after being together for 20 years, he still does this for me every year (when duty doesn't call) speaks volume of his love. To go through the weight yo-yo 5 times and give birth to 5 beautiful children for a witty and charming man who loves me more than he loves himself, life can't be any more blissful, can it? Of course he didn't forget my favourite durians for dinner :)

Dinner was served at home by mum, simple yet heart warming fare of home cooked food. The kids presented yet another labour of love, my birthday cheese cake, lovely isn't it? Chloe wrote this card that really tugged, to thank me for my "mumness", is there ever such a noun? Regardless, she took so much pains to build that picture frame for me and photo-shoped my picture in so that I can place it in my office and be reminded of my family and God's love whenever the going gets tough. Best yet was Nigel, the scrooge amongst all of them, that he actually used his pocket money to buy me my favourite goodies is really quite an achievement :)

Not forgetting the day was filled with well wishes from friends, students and bosses from all over, even a classmate whom I have lost touch with since Cornell days. An ABC who bothered to send me a birthday wish via email really warmed my heart, even happier to learn that this Valentino has settled down (finally). And then, there was this one that made me tear... ...and to a certain extent kicked myself in the butt for making a recent job switch:

Reminded me of a conversation this morning with my ex-bosses, they knew that I miss my "playground" but what is it exactly that I miss? It is the engagement, both at the cognitive and emotional levels, which when executed successfully changes lives. I'm sure if you have managed to read through my blabberings till here, you are beginning to reflect on those who had done or are doing so to you.

I certainly hope to return to my "playground" soonest and continue with my unfinished "work"... ...