All I Want To Do Is ... ...

Been so busy lately that all I want to do is just take a day of and be with the kids at home, have a lazy morning with them, followed by McDonalds' breakfast, go supermarket to grab some food stuff and thereafter spend the day at home cooking for a pinic together in the evening at the park. Alas, even entertaining this thought is such a luxury these days.

Still I am starting to revisit the perennial question of what's next after the bond. While I cherish the stability of my current teaching job, I relish the opportunity to take a stab at the next challenge in life.

Looking forward to our family vacation in Gold Coast, beginning 19th... ...

Claire...titude

Yap, this piece will be primarily about Claire and more so how blessed I am to have her as my first born.

Just attended Claire's Parent-Teacher-Meeting (PTM) this morning and I really feel so proud of her. Academic aside, her form teacher Ms Teh gave a glowing account of her attitudes towards learning and helping others. That Claire remains undaunted when faced with challenging tasks, has a remarkably positive attitude to improve, keeps an open mind for new ideas and takes advantage of opportunities to try out new things, communicates well with teachers and classmates confidently, helpful and kind towards the weaker students... ...

What can I say except that I have so much to learn from her. She epitomises the qualities that I have always been striving for (but still trying at my age!!!!). As usual, I was trying really hard to fight back tears (crying instinct is rather hard to suppress, regardless of age). With that glowing account, she has been made a prefect for next year, much to my worries too. Not sure how she's going to cope with so many CCAs and school work. Been trying to prepare her too that there's nothing glamourous about being a prefect, it's all about a willingness to serve others and many a times, it's really about putting others ahead of you.

Academic wise, she did well though not well enough for prize-giving on Thurs. Initially upset, she's okay with it now. She has really done very well given that both MY ONE and I were so busy at work during her examination weeks. Credit goes to her as she was literally left on her alone to do her own revision. Science was her weakest, 2 points short of Band 1.

I am really happy and proud of her. Only thing she needs to work at now will be techniques at handling difficult characters, really an art more than science that yours truly is still very weak at. But Claire is blessed with a playground/research laboratory at home with 3 different characters to hone her people skills. She's cognizant of that and hopefully she'll take advantage of this learning opportunity as well for ultimately, my wish list for all my kids would be one of a wholistic person - civic minded, has leadership qualities and people skills, but yet able to serve and take care of the weaker ones in our community, don't have to be exceptionally good academically, just good enough to provide for themselves.

But most important of all, have faith in God that strong that they will be able to achieve the above with His Grace. I continue to pray and ask for his guidance as his steward to my four gifts on this journey.

I Lost Weight!

Yippee! Finally I managed to squeeze back into my pre-Noah size 27 skinny Levi's jeans. Looks like the lunch routine at the alumni gym and no solid food after 6pm worked. One kg more and I'll be back to my shorts, can't wait!

MY ONE has been having "nightmares", looks like a certain level of insecurity works wonders for relationship. Amidst the fights and quarrels, I finally got back my spontaneous lunch time sweet nothing smses and tau huay chui as supper.

Oh and of course my nights out with pals: last week drinks with girlfriends and this week a hilarious japanese dinner over wine with ex-classmates talking about chest hair, skin tight super short trunks and wat naughts

Life is good, isn't it?

The Woman Behind The Successful Man

Yap, you didn't read wrongly, that was how I felt when I attended MY ONE's promotion ceremony last night ... ... and as we reflected, it was all a journey of faith which began when Baby Neil (name given for number 5) came along.

When Baby Neil came along in Dec last year, we were caught in a daze, not knowing how we were able to cope with 5 children when MY ONE was slated to sail in Feb again, taking command of a ship. It was a posting that he had to fulfil to get his next rank only NEXT YEAR. But just before Feb arrived, MY ONE took a huge career suicide move to announce to his bosses that nope he would forgo command so as to stay by the family. I was really touched that he willingly gave up his career just so as to stay by me, I mean a career for a man, especially a military one, is almost everything! MY ONE reckoned that Baby Neil was a gift from God and since we have decided to have him, as stewards we should do whatever we can to nurture this precious gift from God, even if it means a stagnation in career for God will provide.

So we stuck by his decision, although I was upset that he went ahead with this decision without consulting me. Then miraculously, MY ONE was offered a shore position that he could not refuse. One that harnesses his networking and research skills. And by the grace of God, he did such a brilliant job at putting on a launch within 1.5 months into his new job (while having to take care of his grieving wife) that he received his promotion THIS YEAR and not next. The rest was history.

Although Baby Neil is in heaven with God right now, I am sure he would feel so proud of his daddy like all of us do at home. It was a journey of faith to say the least that Baby Neil came along and we decided to do God's will and have him at the expense of MY ONE's career. But precisely because we obeyed, God provided a faster alternative to MY ONE. That Baby Neil had to go at a time when all was planned out but we stucked by our faith, believed in HIM and did our part no matter how trying and with his grace, MY ONE attained his rank a year earlier. Only HE knows what's best for us and at the right timing.

So it was a bittersweet experience witnessing MY ONE receive his rank last night, just like how I felt when mid thirties came knocking. Amidst that was a feeling of bliss being a woman behind the successful man. And although my tai tai dream is far from realisation, it's an undescribable satisfaction being able to help my most loved attain his career aspirations. Icing on the cake was that I managed to make 2 important points to MY ONE's chief last evening, one to thank him for the opportunity given to MY ONE and two that our family is behind him all the way. Not sure if that went down well with MY ONE's peers and bosses present last night but that was the least I could do for him as his little woman.

But right now, MY ONE (if you are ever reading this) has to fix up his heart problems, else there will be no end to my sleepless nights.

Shortlived Journey with Baby 5

Most say it was never meant to be to begin with, others shared their similar experiences, prayers, well wishes, kind thoughts, smses, even gifts all the way from Down Under. "Thank You" seems so much like an understatement. I am sorry that I couldn't respond, still coming to terms with the incident and learning how to handle my overwhelming emotions. As always, I am better with writing than with spoken words.


13 weeks seem really short for my time with Baby 5 but that was all I had. Although gynea and MY ONE kept emphasising that it was most likely a chromosone disorder but there's always this 50% "unexplainable causes". That the last scan of Baby 5 today showed a distinct blood clot in the amiotic sac point towards my guilt. If only I had warded myself in after the bleeding incident, perhaps my time with Baby 5 would not have been that short-lived. Or wind the clock even further back, if only I had heeded gynea's advice to go on light duty and not have rejected help to bring the students for their trips, things might have turn out differently.


I blame myself for taking things for granted and that not all pregnancies are the same. Having had 4 smooth ones doesn't mean Baby 5 will similarly be okay. I blame myself for thinking about costs and putting the kids above Baby 5, hence my decision not to be warded after the bleeding incident. I blame myself for putting my students above Baby 5. I blame myself for my pride in rejecting help when help was very freely and kindly offered by my peers. I blame myself for all the funny cravings of beer and watermelon juice which might have caused the miscarriage (according to my mum). Can't help but reflect on what some said previously that I must remain positive for Baby 5 can feel what I feel. I blame myself for all the deliberation and negative thoughts which must have saddened Baby 5 and perhaps that's why he decided to leave. Guilt overwhelmed me last Saturday when the news was broken to us. Needless to say the sleepless nights starring at the last scan picture of Baby 5.


And on Sunday, guilt was overcome with unwillingness to part for I knew the next day, gynea will take Baby 5 away. I kept saying sorry but I knew that's not enough. I began to think about where will Baby 5 be put to rest. Couldn't sleep after waking up in the early morning, I really couldn't bear to part with him for those were our final moments. I spoke softly to him to be a good boy in heaven and reassured him that he'll be in God's good hands, not to be scared, mummy and all will miss him but he will be in a better place before God puts him to another family who will be better able to provide for him or that we will meet again in some years when mummy is better prepared. Before I knew it, it was morning and I felt hungry. Asked what would he like for his last meal and I started to crave for ba cho mee. Drove alone to eat that, finished up the entire bowl although i was feeling naseous and all, tearing while I was eating, to the weird stares of patrons at the stall.

It has been a week now but I am still struggling with the loss. There'll be times when I thought I am better but the next moment, I am a ball of emotions, not able to hold back tears and I wonder how long this would continue before I am my usual self again, or would it never be possible? The kids have been asking about Baby 5, they too are coming to terms with the loss for they were really excited about having another little one in the family.

For now I can only say I really miss the little one and wondering where he is right now.

Nearly Lost The Baby

Had a close shave yesterday... ...

Wasn't feeling good in the morning so decided to take the day off. Mustered all the energy I had to bring kiddos to school before coming back to my all too familiar toilet bowl to merlion, then off for a nap I went. When I woke up, thought I had pee-ed in my pants, only to realise that my pants were filled with blood, so was the floor with a pool of fresh blood, the exact enactment of how they play miscarriages in movies and all!

Mum was struck dumb at the sight! Thankfully, MY ONE came back for lunch then. Off to the hospital we went with me crying myself crazy in the car. MY ONE was his usual calm self, reassuring me that all was well. I kept replaying the day's and yesterday's incidents in my head to reassure myself that I really didn't do anything funny. I was resting and all... ... Think it was guilt that I was trying to avoid.

But it was that moment that I started to realise how badly I wanted to have this baby and how irresponsible I had been, deliberating for the longest time whether to keep it or not and blaming it for all the mishappenings at work and at home. I started to bargain with God, just like what Sharon taught me the night before. Please let this baby survive. I know this is a warning. I wouldn't take it lightly from now onwards and would do all I can to bring and celebrate this new life into this world.

It didn't help that my gynea's first words to me were, "Let's do the scan now. If it's a miscarriage at 11 weeks, it will be very obvious!" Tears rolled down immediately. I couldn't bring myself to look at the scan pictures until I heard the heartbeat. "Baby is still doing okay, vital signs are alright. Bleeding could be due to strains from all the severe vomiting which cause blood vessels to rupture or could be due to the placenta taking over the function during this time."

Didn't want to be warded. So now it's strict bed rest and cocktail of medication, amidst the bleeding. I've learnt my mistake. To those reading this post, please pray that the baby will do okay.

Nigel's Night Message

Received this from Nigel, one evening last week when I was at home between the toilet bowl and bed the whole day... ...don't mind the spelling, my boy is still trying to get his spelling right though he's currently on the drive to read 10 books a day so as to get his sweet cravings satisfied.

"Dear Mummy,
How are you fillig (feeling) at home. Are you good? I am werat (worried) abut (about) you. Have you been good?"
Love Nigel"

Melt right, wouldn't you? More so since this message came right after the night I scolded him for being a nuisance in school. One more on the way so that there will be more to love and be loved?