I Lost Weight!

Yippee! Finally I managed to squeeze back into my pre-Noah size 27 skinny Levi's jeans. Looks like the lunch routine at the alumni gym and no solid food after 6pm worked. One kg more and I'll be back to my shorts, can't wait!

MY ONE has been having "nightmares", looks like a certain level of insecurity works wonders for relationship. Amidst the fights and quarrels, I finally got back my spontaneous lunch time sweet nothing smses and tau huay chui as supper.

Oh and of course my nights out with pals: last week drinks with girlfriends and this week a hilarious japanese dinner over wine with ex-classmates talking about chest hair, skin tight super short trunks and wat naughts

Life is good, isn't it?

The Woman Behind The Successful Man

Yap, you didn't read wrongly, that was how I felt when I attended MY ONE's promotion ceremony last night ... ... and as we reflected, it was all a journey of faith which began when Baby Neil (name given for number 5) came along.

When Baby Neil came along in Dec last year, we were caught in a daze, not knowing how we were able to cope with 5 children when MY ONE was slated to sail in Feb again, taking command of a ship. It was a posting that he had to fulfil to get his next rank only NEXT YEAR. But just before Feb arrived, MY ONE took a huge career suicide move to announce to his bosses that nope he would forgo command so as to stay by the family. I was really touched that he willingly gave up his career just so as to stay by me, I mean a career for a man, especially a military one, is almost everything! MY ONE reckoned that Baby Neil was a gift from God and since we have decided to have him, as stewards we should do whatever we can to nurture this precious gift from God, even if it means a stagnation in career for God will provide.

So we stuck by his decision, although I was upset that he went ahead with this decision without consulting me. Then miraculously, MY ONE was offered a shore position that he could not refuse. One that harnesses his networking and research skills. And by the grace of God, he did such a brilliant job at putting on a launch within 1.5 months into his new job (while having to take care of his grieving wife) that he received his promotion THIS YEAR and not next. The rest was history.

Although Baby Neil is in heaven with God right now, I am sure he would feel so proud of his daddy like all of us do at home. It was a journey of faith to say the least that Baby Neil came along and we decided to do God's will and have him at the expense of MY ONE's career. But precisely because we obeyed, God provided a faster alternative to MY ONE. That Baby Neil had to go at a time when all was planned out but we stucked by our faith, believed in HIM and did our part no matter how trying and with his grace, MY ONE attained his rank a year earlier. Only HE knows what's best for us and at the right timing.

So it was a bittersweet experience witnessing MY ONE receive his rank last night, just like how I felt when mid thirties came knocking. Amidst that was a feeling of bliss being a woman behind the successful man. And although my tai tai dream is far from realisation, it's an undescribable satisfaction being able to help my most loved attain his career aspirations. Icing on the cake was that I managed to make 2 important points to MY ONE's chief last evening, one to thank him for the opportunity given to MY ONE and two that our family is behind him all the way. Not sure if that went down well with MY ONE's peers and bosses present last night but that was the least I could do for him as his little woman.

But right now, MY ONE (if you are ever reading this) has to fix up his heart problems, else there will be no end to my sleepless nights.

Shortlived Journey with Baby 5

Most say it was never meant to be to begin with, others shared their similar experiences, prayers, well wishes, kind thoughts, smses, even gifts all the way from Down Under. "Thank You" seems so much like an understatement. I am sorry that I couldn't respond, still coming to terms with the incident and learning how to handle my overwhelming emotions. As always, I am better with writing than with spoken words.


13 weeks seem really short for my time with Baby 5 but that was all I had. Although gynea and MY ONE kept emphasising that it was most likely a chromosone disorder but there's always this 50% "unexplainable causes". That the last scan of Baby 5 today showed a distinct blood clot in the amiotic sac point towards my guilt. If only I had warded myself in after the bleeding incident, perhaps my time with Baby 5 would not have been that short-lived. Or wind the clock even further back, if only I had heeded gynea's advice to go on light duty and not have rejected help to bring the students for their trips, things might have turn out differently.


I blame myself for taking things for granted and that not all pregnancies are the same. Having had 4 smooth ones doesn't mean Baby 5 will similarly be okay. I blame myself for thinking about costs and putting the kids above Baby 5, hence my decision not to be warded after the bleeding incident. I blame myself for putting my students above Baby 5. I blame myself for my pride in rejecting help when help was very freely and kindly offered by my peers. I blame myself for all the funny cravings of beer and watermelon juice which might have caused the miscarriage (according to my mum). Can't help but reflect on what some said previously that I must remain positive for Baby 5 can feel what I feel. I blame myself for all the deliberation and negative thoughts which must have saddened Baby 5 and perhaps that's why he decided to leave. Guilt overwhelmed me last Saturday when the news was broken to us. Needless to say the sleepless nights starring at the last scan picture of Baby 5.


And on Sunday, guilt was overcome with unwillingness to part for I knew the next day, gynea will take Baby 5 away. I kept saying sorry but I knew that's not enough. I began to think about where will Baby 5 be put to rest. Couldn't sleep after waking up in the early morning, I really couldn't bear to part with him for those were our final moments. I spoke softly to him to be a good boy in heaven and reassured him that he'll be in God's good hands, not to be scared, mummy and all will miss him but he will be in a better place before God puts him to another family who will be better able to provide for him or that we will meet again in some years when mummy is better prepared. Before I knew it, it was morning and I felt hungry. Asked what would he like for his last meal and I started to crave for ba cho mee. Drove alone to eat that, finished up the entire bowl although i was feeling naseous and all, tearing while I was eating, to the weird stares of patrons at the stall.

It has been a week now but I am still struggling with the loss. There'll be times when I thought I am better but the next moment, I am a ball of emotions, not able to hold back tears and I wonder how long this would continue before I am my usual self again, or would it never be possible? The kids have been asking about Baby 5, they too are coming to terms with the loss for they were really excited about having another little one in the family.

For now I can only say I really miss the little one and wondering where he is right now.

Nearly Lost The Baby

Had a close shave yesterday... ...

Wasn't feeling good in the morning so decided to take the day off. Mustered all the energy I had to bring kiddos to school before coming back to my all too familiar toilet bowl to merlion, then off for a nap I went. When I woke up, thought I had pee-ed in my pants, only to realise that my pants were filled with blood, so was the floor with a pool of fresh blood, the exact enactment of how they play miscarriages in movies and all!

Mum was struck dumb at the sight! Thankfully, MY ONE came back for lunch then. Off to the hospital we went with me crying myself crazy in the car. MY ONE was his usual calm self, reassuring me that all was well. I kept replaying the day's and yesterday's incidents in my head to reassure myself that I really didn't do anything funny. I was resting and all... ... Think it was guilt that I was trying to avoid.

But it was that moment that I started to realise how badly I wanted to have this baby and how irresponsible I had been, deliberating for the longest time whether to keep it or not and blaming it for all the mishappenings at work and at home. I started to bargain with God, just like what Sharon taught me the night before. Please let this baby survive. I know this is a warning. I wouldn't take it lightly from now onwards and would do all I can to bring and celebrate this new life into this world.

It didn't help that my gynea's first words to me were, "Let's do the scan now. If it's a miscarriage at 11 weeks, it will be very obvious!" Tears rolled down immediately. I couldn't bring myself to look at the scan pictures until I heard the heartbeat. "Baby is still doing okay, vital signs are alright. Bleeding could be due to strains from all the severe vomiting which cause blood vessels to rupture or could be due to the placenta taking over the function during this time."

Didn't want to be warded. So now it's strict bed rest and cocktail of medication, amidst the bleeding. I've learnt my mistake. To those reading this post, please pray that the baby will do okay.

Nigel's Night Message

Received this from Nigel, one evening last week when I was at home between the toilet bowl and bed the whole day... ...don't mind the spelling, my boy is still trying to get his spelling right though he's currently on the drive to read 10 books a day so as to get his sweet cravings satisfied.

"Dear Mummy,
How are you fillig (feeling) at home. Are you good? I am werat (worried) abut (about) you. Have you been good?"
Love Nigel"

Melt right, wouldn't you? More so since this message came right after the night I scolded him for being a nuisance in school. One more on the way so that there will be more to love and be loved?

Wavering ... ...

I am still struggling, especially when the feeling of sea-sickness strikes everyday and every minute of my waking time. All these while coping with daily demands of kids' schedule, routines, homework and work. Honestly, I feel really bad towards my kids and not only mine, others too, I mean my students, having to face a sea-sicked teacher all the time, moody, black-faced and all. One who can't seem to summon enough energy to even stand straight on some days, much lest about delivering a good lesson. When will this end, I really wonder. Nothing seems to work, save for beer, but how? Drink beer everyday? Whilst at work? Definitely not!

Been waking up in the wee hours of the morning just to throw up gastric juice and blood. The churning just keeps me awake for the rest of the morning. Is this worse because I have aged or because I am still nursing Noah?

How long more can I last I wonder?

Another TEST?

Can almost picture the kids' Godma exclaiming, "You are such rabbits!" Yes, I am expecting #5 in Sep, at the most unexpected time, with all precautions and timing taken into considerations.

Deliberated for weeks before coming to terms with it. Honestly, at one stage I was such a sinner, I really wanted to go for the short cut but Father Paul's one line woke me up, "Every child is a gift and we should do all we can to support this new life.", so did SL's line, "How can you be so unfair to this one when the circumstances were worse for Noah and you persevered?"

But questions remain on how am I going to cope and be a good mother to 5 kids? It sounds so technically impossible! As it is, we are already so drained emotionally, financially and physically just coping with 4. Many a times, I feel so guilty for not having enough time with each of them and now with the coming of #5, how? MY ONE will take over command come Mar, that means he won't be around half the time and Chloe still has her on-going therapies????

I teared when I sat at Novena this afternoon, after visiting the gynea. Seeing the scan pictures, I honestly could no longer bring myself to take the short cut.

MY ONE said, the road to heaven is never an easy one and that we honestly do not have any compelling reasons to not have the baby or even to think about adoption. God, this seems like another test of my faith again. First and foremost, I have to come to terms with no promotion nor increment in the 2 years to come.