Shortlived Journey with Baby 5

Most say it was never meant to be to begin with, others shared their similar experiences, prayers, well wishes, kind thoughts, smses, even gifts all the way from Down Under. "Thank You" seems so much like an understatement. I am sorry that I couldn't respond, still coming to terms with the incident and learning how to handle my overwhelming emotions. As always, I am better with writing than with spoken words.


13 weeks seem really short for my time with Baby 5 but that was all I had. Although gynea and MY ONE kept emphasising that it was most likely a chromosone disorder but there's always this 50% "unexplainable causes". That the last scan of Baby 5 today showed a distinct blood clot in the amiotic sac point towards my guilt. If only I had warded myself in after the bleeding incident, perhaps my time with Baby 5 would not have been that short-lived. Or wind the clock even further back, if only I had heeded gynea's advice to go on light duty and not have rejected help to bring the students for their trips, things might have turn out differently.


I blame myself for taking things for granted and that not all pregnancies are the same. Having had 4 smooth ones doesn't mean Baby 5 will similarly be okay. I blame myself for thinking about costs and putting the kids above Baby 5, hence my decision not to be warded after the bleeding incident. I blame myself for putting my students above Baby 5. I blame myself for my pride in rejecting help when help was very freely and kindly offered by my peers. I blame myself for all the funny cravings of beer and watermelon juice which might have caused the miscarriage (according to my mum). Can't help but reflect on what some said previously that I must remain positive for Baby 5 can feel what I feel. I blame myself for all the deliberation and negative thoughts which must have saddened Baby 5 and perhaps that's why he decided to leave. Guilt overwhelmed me last Saturday when the news was broken to us. Needless to say the sleepless nights starring at the last scan picture of Baby 5.


And on Sunday, guilt was overcome with unwillingness to part for I knew the next day, gynea will take Baby 5 away. I kept saying sorry but I knew that's not enough. I began to think about where will Baby 5 be put to rest. Couldn't sleep after waking up in the early morning, I really couldn't bear to part with him for those were our final moments. I spoke softly to him to be a good boy in heaven and reassured him that he'll be in God's good hands, not to be scared, mummy and all will miss him but he will be in a better place before God puts him to another family who will be better able to provide for him or that we will meet again in some years when mummy is better prepared. Before I knew it, it was morning and I felt hungry. Asked what would he like for his last meal and I started to crave for ba cho mee. Drove alone to eat that, finished up the entire bowl although i was feeling naseous and all, tearing while I was eating, to the weird stares of patrons at the stall.

It has been a week now but I am still struggling with the loss. There'll be times when I thought I am better but the next moment, I am a ball of emotions, not able to hold back tears and I wonder how long this would continue before I am my usual self again, or would it never be possible? The kids have been asking about Baby 5, they too are coming to terms with the loss for they were really excited about having another little one in the family.

For now I can only say I really miss the little one and wondering where he is right now.