CAI in thoughts

Power of a Praying Mum

2011-01-18T14:04:00.003+08:00

During the last trying stage of my carrying Nat, a boss bought me a book - "The Power of a Praying Parent", and I have not turned back since. In it, I found out how to pray for my brood of God's gifts, from health to friends to school, etc. And indeed the prayers came in handy when Claire started off on a trying note when school started, of course not forgetting Chloe's entry into formal school as well. Suffice to say that I lost 3kg since the start of Jan 2011, ferrying, worrying, fretting and the many sleepless nights, some crying as well after witnessing their struggles. School life was never that complicated during my time! But through it all, I have never stopped praying for them, that God will surround them with good teachers and friends and more so that God will guide me to be the best steward I can be to them.

Indeed my prayers have been answered: Claire is slowly but surely getting the hang of Primary 5 and her T-rex form teacher, Nigel's getting more independent but still ever so crazy about soccer and guess what the one that I have always been so worried about, my Chloe girl has been appointed as the class monitress, much to our disbelief! Was freaking out worrying about how she's gonna cope and of course the email to her form teacher about her condition (and thereafter her being taken off some class duties, much to her disaapointment).

Chloe was in a all time high last night after her new appointment in school yesterday but more so yours truly, I was even higher... ...

It only leaves me to sing, "And I Thank You LORD... ..."

My Last Post?

2010-10-31T21:16:00.007+08:00

I know the title sounds morbid and pessimistic but as the birth of Nat draws nearer, there's always this lingering fear of "What if I don't make it out of labour alive?". As it happened so very recently, a close friend of mine nearly did. Thank goodness, she managed to pull through ... ...

This will be a post of my most recent positive recollections of every family member, friends and colleagues who have touched me in more ways than one.

Let's begin with MY ONE: He has really been very supportive and sensitive this round (finally I think he got round to understand that pregnancy and labour should not be taken for granted after witnessing what his pal's wife went through?). Still, back to his sweet mannerisms: that included taking a day's leave almost every week during my few weeks of pregnancy to not only bring me for my gynea visits but for good meals, short shopping trips (when I could still walk), accommodating my every wimp and fancy of cravings, of course tantrums as well. And most recently during the last week, wheeling me in the wheelchair to church, Newton Circus for food, etc. And of course his most expensive gift so far, an iPad for me to surf on bed coz' I could hardly sit up, mostly on the bed these days. He had just commented that we hardly quarrel nowadays, in fact we honestly couldn't recall when was the last we did, just hope that this "honeymoon" phase will continue for a long time to come, the possibility of which rests heavily on my ability to slow down and bo chap after Nat arrives.

Next my mum: These few weeks at home have really deepened our understanding of each other and my appreciation of her. Feels really bad that some days she would still have to walk down to Hawker Centre to buy me lunch at her age. But we really did enjoy our little eating and grocery shopping trips some weeks back when I could still walk (not for long) and drive, albeit slowly. It's strange (and equally frustrating to be taken care of) that she has become my caretaker, reporting my every movement to MY ONE when he calls. Of course there were moments that we would clash head on as well, like when her family in Indonesia calls for money or to report more trouble or the incessant visits by or to her friends or relatives.

And then my first born Claire who has recently taken on the role of the assistant caretaker of mummy, fetching things, food, drinks and buying food for me as well. She'll never fail to be my walking stick at home or when we are out. She did pretty well for her exams recently (save for Science but you see I'm never good at Science and MY ONE was too busy to coach her too!), was elected to the Prefectorial Exco next year and took it upon herself to prepare Nigel and Chloe's books and stationery for next year, of course the packing too. Not to mention sacrificed her afternoons to attend story telling training just so as to take Chloe's class next year for story telling during orientation time. And oh yes, she woke up early during the weekends to prepare breakfast for the family, although not very yummy, we supported her wholeheartedly!

Then comes Nigel who is still very obsessed with sports (specifically soccer) and computer games. Boys being boys, they'll never be as sensitive as girls. So Nigel's little acts of love should never be taken for granted, e.g. little notes of encouragement, offering to be my walking stick, helping to entertain Noah, etc. He did rather well for school but is very afraid that I'll be attending his Parent-Teacher-Meet rather than MY ONE for I'm sure his teachers will have lots to fill me in about his antics. Noticed recently that he's becoming more of a vegetarian, had a word with him and he's trying now to eat more meat.

Chloe will be next, she's really undergone huge transformation. As her graduation draws nearer(I am quite glad that I'll not be able to attend to save myself some embarrassment from being a spectacle, you know I can't control my emotions that well), I can't help but reflect on how far my girl has come along. Looking at her pictures and videos some 3 years back when we discovered her developmental delays till where she is now, I can only say that it was a test of faith and God was guiding us all these while to be the best stewards we could be for Chloe. To a certain extent, her transformation is unbelievable, from one who couldn't utter a single word, don't know how to play and socialize to one who is the speller in class with friends aplenty, of course a girl who has a mind of her own, most times a questioning one, and could "educate" us on the latest science facts she has read up on (e.g. a healthy adult will fart 13 times a day)... ...I couldn't ask for more. I can only pray that God will continue his guidance that we can nurture her to the best of her potential! Recently celebrated her 6th birthday and even though I could hardly walk, still made it to an international buffet in my wheelchair as she wanted to have one for her special day!

Now comes our little tyrant aka interactive toy Noah. He's 3.5 but can operate a laptop as well as Kor Kor Nigel. Not something to be proud of as parents but at least there's some bonding amongst the boys. He loves being read to and will always demand at least a bedtime story every night, loves playing with torchlight so much so that he's better than Claire at Science concepts of shadow making, i.e. shadow gets bigger when object is moved closer to light source, etc. He loves to sing his repertoire of songs (sometimes insisting that we must sing along with him) and would always ask for Chinese translations of the new words we use. Only peeve that we have of him would be that he still does not want to do his big business in the toilet but promises to when Nat arrives. And oh yes, though weaned from the breast, he's still harbouring hopes that he can get to share some fresh breast milk with Nat when the little Di Di arrives!

As I await the arrival of Nat (incidentally Nathaniel means the Gift of God!), been experiencing shows the last 2 days but our friend still doesn't want to come, I count my blessings of the many friends and colleagues who have stood by and offer support during the past trying weeks. As SL said it one day that she still couldn't believe her eyes witnessing my deterioration from a slim, slender, attractive and active lady (perchance not exact quote but almost there!) to a fat auntie, bed-bound, resigned to fate for this baby with the many underlying conditions, this has been the most trying pregnancy for me. However, it also offered a chance for me to slow down and appreciate the roses around me, my family, friends and colleagues. A big thank you to those who came by to cheer me up, yours gifts of religious books and relics have strengthen my faith, your sms and emails have warmed my heart and of course a boss who came by to bring me a wheelchair, I am indeed very blessed.

Just finished the power of a praying parent, thanks to another boss, and have drawn much inspiration from the book.

Didn't Realise It Was That Long Ago ... ...

2010-08-27T16:28:00.002+08:00

Didn't realise it was that long ago that I left a post on my blog, guess it was the trying memories last year that I was trying to leave behind which brought about the absence.

Happy to share that this year has really been blissful so far. Changed team with new bosses and colleagues, Baby Nat on the way, kids behaving well in school... ...

Just that I am struggling to come to terms to my pre-term immobility. Pre-mature loosening of the pelvic joint is causing so much pain that I am pretty much home and bed bound these days. I can clearly count the number of cracks in my bedroom ceiling! That Claire has to rush back from school to buy me lunch these days says it all, doesn't it? And that Nigel will hold my hand whenever I have difficulty moving around at home melts me too. My sweet Chloe will massage my tummy with stretch mark cream every night to soothe the itch and tightness (honestly stretch mark cream is a placebo). It's also her "strategy" of getting prime time with Nat as early as possible "so that Baby Nat will listen to me when he arrives". As for Noah, he will not leave school each morning and sleep every night without kissing Nat (my belly) to wake him up and wish him good night.

Waiting for Claire to wake up from her afternoon nap before "bringing" me to office, need her to help me carry my laptop and stuff, of course to run from the printer and my cubicle... ...Having kids early does pay off, just that I feel bad that they have to take care of mummy when it should have been the other way.

Everyone at home is super excited about the arrival of Nat, but I am really scared. Guess courage is inversely correlated with age. Likely a high risk birth given all the underlying conditions, heart palpitations, SPD, #5 and all, hence opted for KK this round, just in case. Just praying that God will protect and provide as always.

All I Want To Do Is ... ...

2009-12-08T04:13:00.002+08:00

Been so busy lately that all I want to do is just take a day of and be with the kids at home, have a lazy morning with them, followed by McDonalds' breakfast, go supermarket to grab some food stuff and thereafter spend the day at home cooking for a pinic together in the evening at the park. Alas, even entertaining this thought is such a luxury these days.

Still I am starting to revisit the perennial question of what's next after the bond. While I cherish the stability of my current teaching job, I relish the opportunity to take a stab at the next challenge in life.

Looking forward to our family vacation in Gold Coast, beginning 19th... ...

Claire...titude

2009-11-16T09:59:00.002+08:00

Yap, this piece will be primarily about Claire and more so how blessed I am to have her as my first born.

Just attended Claire's Parent-Teacher-Meeting (PTM) this morning and I really feel so proud of her. Academic aside, her form teacher Ms Teh gave a glowing account of her attitudes towards learning and helping others. That Claire remains undaunted when faced with challenging tasks, has a remarkably positive attitude to improve, keeps an open mind for new ideas and takes advantage of opportunities to try out new things, communicates well with teachers and classmates confidently, helpful and kind towards the weaker students... ...

What can I say except that I have so much to learn from her. She epitomises the qualities that I have always been striving for (but still trying at my age!!!!). As usual, I was trying really hard to fight back tears (crying instinct is rather hard to suppress, regardless of age). With that glowing account, she has been made a prefect for next year, much to my worries too. Not sure how she's going to cope with so many CCAs and school work. Been trying to prepare her too that there's nothing glamourous about being a prefect, it's all about a willingness to serve others and many a times, it's really about putting others ahead of you.

Academic wise, she did well though not well enough for prize-giving on Thurs. Initially upset, she's okay with it now. She has really done very well given that both MY ONE and I were so busy at work during her examination weeks. Credit goes to her as she was literally left on her alone to do her own revision. Science was her weakest, 2 points short of Band 1.

I am really happy and proud of her. Only thing she needs to work at now will be techniques at handling difficult characters, really an art more than science that yours truly is still very weak at. But Claire is blessed with a playground/research laboratory at home with 3 different characters to hone her people skills. She's cognizant of that and hopefully she'll take advantage of this learning opportunity as well for ultimately, my wish list for all my kids would be one of a wholistic person - civic minded, has leadership qualities and people skills, but yet able to serve and take care of the weaker ones in our community, don't have to be exceptionally good academically, just good enough to provide for themselves.

But most important of all, have faith in God that strong that they will be able to achieve the above with His Grace. I continue to pray and ask for his guidance as his steward to my four gifts on this journey.

I Lost Weight!

2009-08-14T14:22:00.002+08:00

Yippee! Finally I managed to squeeze back into my pre-Noah size 27 skinny Levi's jeans. Looks like the lunch routine at the alumni gym and no solid food after 6pm worked. One kg more and I'll be back to my shorts, can't wait!

MY ONE has been having "nightmares", looks like a certain level of insecurity works wonders for relationship. Amidst the fights and quarrels, I finally got back my spontaneous lunch time sweet nothing smses and tau huay chui as supper.

Oh and of course my nights out with pals: last week drinks with girlfriends and this week a hilarious japanese dinner over wine with ex-classmates talking about chest hair, skin tight super short trunks and wat naughts

Life is good, isn't it?

The Woman Behind The Successful Man

2009-06-26T09:31:00.006+08:00

Yap, you didn't read wrongly, that was how I felt when I attended MY ONE's promotion ceremony last night ... ... and as we reflected, it was all a journey of faith which began when Baby Neil (name given for number 5) came along.

When Baby Neil came along in Dec last year, we were caught in a daze, not knowing how we were able to cope with 5 children when MY ONE was slated to sail in Feb again, taking command of a ship. It was a posting that he had to fulfil to get his next rank only NEXT YEAR. But just before Feb arrived, MY ONE took a huge career suicide move to announce to his bosses that nope he would forgo command so as to stay by the family. I was really touched that he willingly gave up his career just so as to stay by me, I mean a career for a man, especially a military one, is almost everything! MY ONE reckoned that Baby Neil was a gift from God and since we have decided to have him, as stewards we should do whatever we can to nurture this precious gift from God, even if it means a stagnation in career for God will provide.

So we stuck by his decision, although I was upset that he went ahead with this decision without consulting me. Then miraculously, MY ONE was offered a shore position that he could not refuse. One that harnesses his networking and research skills. And by the grace of God, he did such a brilliant job at putting on a launch within 1.5 months into his new job (while having to take care of his grieving wife) that he received his promotion THIS YEAR and not next. The rest was history.

Although Baby Neil is in heaven with God right now, I am sure he would feel so proud of his daddy like all of us do at home. It was a journey of faith to say the least that Baby Neil came along and we decided to do God's will and have him at the expense of MY ONE's career. But precisely because we obeyed, God provided a faster alternative to MY ONE. That Baby Neil had to go at a time when all was planned out but we stucked by our faith, believed in HIM and did our part no matter how trying and with his grace, MY ONE attained his rank a year earlier. Only HE knows what's best for us and at the right timing.

So it was a bittersweet experience witnessing MY ONE receive his rank last night, just like how I felt when mid thirties came knocking. Amidst that was a feeling of bliss being a woman behind the successful man. And although my tai tai dream is far from realisation, it's an undescribable satisfaction being able to help my most loved attain his career aspirations. Icing on the cake was that I managed to make 2 important points to MY ONE's chief last evening, one to thank him for the opportunity given to MY ONE and two that our family is behind him all the way. Not sure if that went down well with MY ONE's peers and bosses present last night but that was the least I could do for him as his little woman.

But right now, MY ONE (if you are ever reading this) has to fix up his heart problems, else there will be no end to my sleepless nights.

Shortlived Journey with Baby 5

2009-03-02T20:35:00.005+08:00

Most say it was never meant to be to begin with, others shared their similar experiences, prayers, well wishes, kind thoughts, smses, even gifts all the way from Down Under. "Thank You" seems so much like an understatement. I am sorry that I couldn't respond, still coming to terms with the incident and learning how to handle my overwhelming emotions. As always, I am better with writing than with spoken words.

13 weeks seem really short for my time with Baby 5 but that was all I had. Although gynea and MY ONE kept emphasising that it was most likely a chromosone disorder but there's always this 50% "unexplainable causes". That the last scan of Baby 5 today showed a distinct blood clot in the amiotic sac point towards my guilt. If only I had warded myself in after the bleeding incident, perhaps my time with Baby 5 would not have been that short-lived. Or wind the clock even further back, if only I had heeded gynea's advice to go on light duty and not have rejected help to bring the students for their trips, things might have turn out differently.

I blame myself for taking things for granted and that not all pregnancies are the same. Having had 4 smooth ones doesn't mean Baby 5 will similarly be okay. I blame myself for thinking about costs and putting the kids above Baby 5, hence my decision not to be warded after the bleeding incident. I blame myself for putting my students above Baby 5. I blame myself for my pride in rejecting help when help was very freely and kindly offered by my peers. I blame myself for all the funny cravings of beer and watermelon juice which might have caused the miscarriage (according to my mum). Can't help but reflect on what some said previously that I must remain positive for Baby 5 can feel what I feel. I blame myself for all the deliberation and negative thoughts which must have saddened Baby 5 and perhaps that's why he decided to leave. Guilt overwhelmed me last Saturday when the news was broken to us. Needless to say the sleepless nights starring at the last scan picture of Baby 5.

And on Sunday, guilt was overcome with unwillingness to part for I knew the next day, gynea will take Baby 5 away. I kept saying sorry but I knew that's not enough. I began to think about where will Baby 5 be put to rest. Couldn't sleep after waking up in the early morning, I really couldn't bear to part with him for those were our final moments. I spoke softly to him to be a good boy in heaven and reassured him that he'll be in God's good hands, not to be scared, mummy and all will miss him but he will be in a better place before God puts him to another family who will be better able to provide for him or that we will meet again in some years when mummy is better prepared. Before I knew it, it was morning and I felt hungry. Asked what would he like for his last meal and I started to crave for ba cho mee. Drove alone to eat that, finished up the entire bowl although i was feeling naseous and all, tearing while I was eating, to the weird stares of patrons at the stall.

It has been a week now but I am still struggling with the loss. There'll be times when I thought I am better but the next moment, I am a ball of emotions, not able to hold back tears and I wonder how long this would continue before I am my usual self again, or would it never be possible? The kids have been asking about Baby 5, they too are coming to terms with the loss for they were really excited about having another little one in the family.

For now I can only say I really miss the little one and wondering where he is right now.

Nearly Lost The Baby

2009-02-13T10:34:00.004+08:00

Had a close shave yesterday... ...

Wasn't feeling good in the morning so decided to take the day off. Mustered all the energy I had to bring kiddos to school before coming back to my all too familiar toilet bowl to merlion, then off for a nap I went. When I woke up, thought I had pee-ed in my pants, only to realise that my pants were filled with blood, so was the floor with a pool of fresh blood, the exact enactment of how they play miscarriages in movies and all!

Mum was struck dumb at the sight! Thankfully, MY ONE came back for lunch then. Off to the hospital we went with me crying myself crazy in the car. MY ONE was his usual calm self, reassuring me that all was well. I kept replaying the day's and yesterday's incidents in my head to reassure myself that I really didn't do anything funny. I was resting and all... ... Think it was guilt that I was trying to avoid.

But it was that moment that I started to realise how badly I wanted to have this baby and how irresponsible I had been, deliberating for the longest time whether to keep it or not and blaming it for all the mishappenings at work and at home. I started to bargain with God, just like what Sharon taught me the night before. Please let this baby survive. I know this is a warning. I wouldn't take it lightly from now onwards and would do all I can to bring and celebrate this new life into this world.

It didn't help that my gynea's first words to me were, "Let's do the scan now. If it's a miscarriage at 11 weeks, it will be very obvious!" Tears rolled down immediately. I couldn't bring myself to look at the scan pictures until I heard the heartbeat. "Baby is still doing okay, vital signs are alright. Bleeding could be due to strains from all the severe vomiting which cause blood vessels to rupture or could be due to the placenta taking over the function during this time."

Didn't want to be warded. So now it's strict bed rest and cocktail of medication, amidst the bleeding. I've learnt my mistake. To those reading this post, please pray that the baby will do okay.

Nigel's Night Message

2009-02-09T13:21:00.003+08:00

Received this from Nigel, one evening last week when I was at home between the toilet bowl and bed the whole day... ...don't mind the spelling, my boy is still trying to get his spelling right though he's currently on the drive to read 10 books a day so as to get his sweet cravings satisfied.

"Dear Mummy,
How are you fillig (feeling) at home. Are you good? I am werat (worried) abut (about) you. Have you been good?"
Love Nigel"

Melt right, wouldn't you? More so since this message came right after the night I scolded him for being a nuisance in school. One more on the way so that there will be more to love and be loved?

Wavering ... ...

2009-02-02T13:46:00.003+08:00

I am still struggling, especially when the feeling of sea-sickness strikes everyday and every minute of my waking time. All these while coping with daily demands of kids' schedule, routines, homework and work. Honestly, I feel really bad towards my kids and not only mine, others too, I mean my students, having to face a sea-sicked teacher all the time, moody, black-faced and all. One who can't seem to summon enough energy to even stand straight on some days, much lest about delivering a good lesson. When will this end, I really wonder. Nothing seems to work, save for beer, but how? Drink beer everyday? Whilst at work? Definitely not!

Been waking up in the wee hours of the morning just to throw up gastric juice and blood. The churning just keeps me awake for the rest of the morning. Is this worse because I have aged or because I am still nursing Noah?

How long more can I last I wonder?

Another TEST?

2009-01-13T18:16:00.002+08:00

Can almost picture the kids' Godma exclaiming, "You are such rabbits!" Yes, I am expecting #5 in Sep, at the most unexpected time, with all precautions and timing taken into considerations.

Deliberated for weeks before coming to terms with it. Honestly, at one stage I was such a sinner, I really wanted to go for the short cut but Father Paul's one line woke me up, "Every child is a gift and we should do all we can to support this new life.", so did SL's line, "How can you be so unfair to this one when the circumstances were worse for Noah and you persevered?"

But questions remain on how am I going to cope and be a good mother to 5 kids? It sounds so technically impossible! As it is, we are already so drained emotionally, financially and physically just coping with 4. Many a times, I feel so guilty for not having enough time with each of them and now with the coming of #5, how? MY ONE will take over command come Mar, that means he won't be around half the time and Chloe still has her on-going therapies????

I teared when I sat at Novena this afternoon, after visiting the gynea. Seeing the scan pictures, I honestly could no longer bring myself to take the short cut.

MY ONE said, the road to heaven is never an easy one and that we honestly do not have any compelling reasons to not have the baby or even to think about adoption. God, this seems like another test of my faith again. First and foremost, I have to come to terms with no promotion nor increment in the 2 years to come.

Still Fits!

2008-11-27T06:45:00.002+08:00

MY ONE needs a partner for a black tie dinner event, my first such event. So naturally I had the adrenaline rush. Was searching furiously on the internet on evening gowns and cheongsams until the budget conscious MY ONE suggested my wedding gowns!

Why not I thought! Managed to locate them in complete pieces, gosh it's coming 9 years on 31 Dec 2008! And guess what, they still fit, albeit snuggly. A red one, a purplish one and a pink cheongsam. After 9 years and 4 kiddos, my head is definitely swelling! Only downside observed was that with breastfeeding came saggy boobs, that's why the stomach area was snuggly, could also be due to my otherwise more voluptuous self now that I am still nursing Noah, otherwise the gowns are good to go!

Beware my fellow colleagues, you will be seeing me in my wedding ensemble during Jan D&D too! As to MY ONE, aren't you a lucky man!

A Mother's Dilemma

2008-10-29T12:57:00.002+08:00

I was on tenterhooks for the whole good month of October, for work and family. On the work front, there was this mega outreach event to roll out, involving students across all three levels and some 200 external participants and industry partners. On the home front, Claire’s examinations were right smack in October.

Can only say that I am glad work went okay, event could have been better no doubt, but reflecting back, no regrets, I had done all I can within the 2 short month’s notice. The windfall for me out of this event was that my students benefitted from staging the event, learning about the lifestyle sectors and had received raving feedback from the external participants. They earned every bit of that.

On the home front, I am very thankful MY ONE took days off during my event days to run the kids schedule. And last evening, we received good news. Claire topped her class in Mathematics, scoring a full 100 marks for her year-end paper. Gosh, a perfect score! I was not even near that in my lifetime, of course neither was MY ONE, he was furthur I believe. She did well in her English and Mandarin too, thus attaining her personal goal of getting into the first band.

Now this thing about getting into the first band was a personal dilemma for me. When Claire came back from school one day, telling me that she wants to be in the same class as her “benchmark” friend who had been scoring first in class in all subjects, I was all a nerve ball. On one hand, I know that would be good for her, but on the other hand what’s the good of having to defend one’s position all the time. I for one knew that would be a very tiring journey. Why not just be a mediocre and enjoy life whilst still having lots of room for improvement and not incur the wrath and envy of people around you (the exact predicament that mummy is in right now)? But knowing Claire, once she sets her mind to it, there’s no looking back. As parents, we could only help guide and motivate her and of course as her meticulous mum, work out a timetable for her. I prayed that God’s will be done, if it’s meant to be, let it be and if it’s not, let it not be.

She earned every bit of it. I am happy for her and for myself for this experience of a mother’s pride. However, deep down I know that this is the start of her never-ending quest. I can only pray that as stewards of God’s gifts, He will give me the strength and wisdom to help develop each of them to their fullest potential.

A Year Gone By

2008-10-16T03:38:00.001+08:00

A year of my half-time job has come and gone, can’t help but reflect on my achievements, or the lack of it in some areas, you know me being a task driven maniac!

At the home front, things are looking rosy having brought Chloe nearer to her peers in developmental terms. She’s still behind no doubts but the reassurance came from her lead psychologist 2 weeks ago that Chloe is unlikely to require assistance at special schools. She’s likely to go through the normal primary school with extra intervention and coaching on the sideline. Psychologist thinks that Chloe should be able to cope without “feeling significantly different”, a situation that mummy is most concerned of. I just don’t want my poor girl’s confidence to be shattered at such an early age, should that happen. Chloe is a lot more assertive and argumentative now, as compared to a year ago when warning signs of autism were at an all time high. As I reflect back, a year of accompanying her for occupational and speech therapies did bring us a lot closer, so much so that she’s requesting to latch on when she sees Noah doing so. And when rejected, she’ll begin to question and insists on her rights. Most times I’d relent and subsequently feel like a cow with 2 “babies” latched on. One of Chloe’s favourite activities now is baking with mummy, though she always gets really messy!

Claire will be celebrating her 8th birthday tomorrow, a coming of age for both Claire and mummy. Recall those panicky early days as a mum when I didn’t know what she was crying for. I must really hand it to her for managing her time well at such a tender age, having to cope with school work, mummy’s work, swimming & golf classes and at times coaching Nigel and Chloe over their work. She’s a real gem at getting Chloe to cooperate! The year of half-time has allowed me some luxuries of coaching her in the day, having lunch with her before packing her off for school, think I will miss times like these, now that I am back full time.

Nigel is growing up well to be a big brother in the family. He’s pretty popular in school as I witnessed his friends cheering for him whenever he’s late for classes. I marvel at his phonetical ability to put letters together and pronounce the words right. At 5, he’s already writing simple composition of how his daddy would buy his favourite toys and clothes. He’s a pretty driven boy and takes pride in his work, is a neat freak like mummy too. But sadly, precisely because he’s coping so well with school, phonics, golf & swimming lessons, he’s always the one most neglected. Like last night when the family was out celebrating Claire’s birthday, he was the last that I would arrange a seat for as he’s the easiest to please amongst the four! Still, half-time has allowed me to accompany him for his classes, enjoy an ice-cream cone or two during hot afternoons and chat just about anything that he’ll observe on-route to anywhere. He’s really a super observant one!

And now Noah, his daily care-giver just went home yesterday. Although there weren’t much reactions, but I’ll remind myself to stay vigilant for signs of distress. Till now, I still blame myself for not being there for Chloe when hers went home and hence contributing to her delayed development. Noah’s amazing in terms of development. At 18 months, he easily has a vocabulary of 20 words, including “elephant” and is dribbling balls better than Nigel. But he’s a super aggressive one. The thing I’d really miss doing with Noah would be the afternoon suckle and nap time together. And yes, he’s still on the breast!

Other than the kids having benefitted from mummy’s half-time, my mum and hubby did too. To a large extent, my flexible schedule has somewhat taken the family stress off Nick’s mind, but of course with financial stress being a substitute. I have also grown a lot closer to my mum, quite an irony at such an age. We have gone on countless shopping trips to ulu ulu places and have served up many parties as co-chefs! I’ll miss the afternoon tea we’d have together with ta baos from my campus canteen. She loved the bo bo cha cha.

At the work front, students and teaching aside, the best I could do is to remain silent. I am hopeful that I’d be able to figure out the next step soon with God’s help, just like how he did so a year ago when I didn’t know where to start at the home front.

Satisfaction... ...The Unspoken Reward

2008-08-11T12:16:00.006+08:00

The months of absence have finally been broken with this post, not that I had the writer's block but work and family were really keeping me on my toes. Nonetheless, enjoy this piece for I have definitely enjoyed the process and of course the end of it.

Was assigned with an uphill task of teaching hospitality students all about accounting in just a semester. Armed with nothing, no notes nor precedence (of blending financial and management accounting), just my enthusiasm, I started out in April this year.

The beginnings were painful to say the least. Somehow accountants and hotelies see numbers differently and of course we were on collision courses very frequently. For one, the youngsters these days couldn't quite understand why the auntie in me is so fussy about discipline, timeliness, attendance, not to mention my love for numbers. They must have thought what a weirdo lecturer!

I recalled my first tutorial with an un-named class where the guys were really up in arms. But as I reflect, the animosity was probably due to frustrations on both end, their frustrations in not being able to understand and mine for not seeing tutorials attempted. The really ulu lecture room did us in as well; so dark and so uncondusive to learning.

But as the semester unfolded, I began to see their better side. Without a doubt, they were the brightest I have taught in 7 years and honestly if not for their intelligence, I would probably have more to explain about their results. Their seemingly uncouth mannerism was largely due to their eagerness to do well and to get things done fast. If only I had worn this different pair of lenses earlier.

The highlight for me was to witness their transformation during their project presentation. From knowing nothing about accounting to being able to blabber off ratios complete with their intepretation, analysis and comparisons of competing hospitality companies' financial health. Of course not forgetting they were all so well-dressed and well-spoken when answering those impromptu questions. WOW!

It leaves me to conclude that while I deserve my due satisfaction for playing a part in their financial and professional transformation, they deserve more than due credit. This is yet again another experience to reaffirm my choice in remaining in this profession, renumeration not pegged to market regardless.

Oops, I Did It Again

2008-05-12T04:00:00.004+08:00

So very Britney the title but my happenings are far from being glamourous.

Yap, I did a matchmaking stint again, second time round and second time lucky as well. The pair hit it off real well, much to my relief. Then again, I should be pretty confident of my track record and since both were really good people, they should at the very least be friends after the first meeting. Mr. K is the super nice guy next door with the best of manners and temperament, a brother of my close pal (who had left yesterday in pursuit of her dreams. I wish her the very best too though she's sadly missed right now). Ms. E is a young lady with the biggest heart I know of, maturity beyond her age and of course the nanny of yours truly when I was alone and pregnant. And so a coffee time meet ended with dinner well past 9. Of course the auntie here didn't tag along and to think both didn't want to respond to my incessant sms when they were together says it all, doesn't it? I know I am very super AUNTIE to have thought of and arrange this but the joy out of knowing that they got along well really gives me the kick, though I must say it was a distance to drive from BT to the beach, today being Mother's Day and I had to prepare the dinner spread for the extended family and that Claire wasn't feeling too good. But the trip paid off handsomely, at least from the indications I got from both parties after their dinner. What a Mother's Day?!!

This weekend was really well spent, I felt very connected with the kiddos again. Was feeling a little distant after the recent rush at the workplace. Was very touched with Claire's handmade clay container with a card thanking me for everything I have done for her, that I am the best mummy, She loves me, etc, even though I had been pretty harsh on her lately over her exams. Although I am earning much less with my half time, can't felt but think that my time these past few months have been really well spent connecting with the kids and my mum. The kind of satisfaction with having known that I have been there for them is not what a higher paying job could buy for me. And though finances look set to get tougher with our recent flat purchase, I am certain God will provide, just as how He has provided for us all these while.

There leaves 3 more people I'd like to make their day, with more joy coming my way. Of course not forgetting to thank MY ONE for his Mother's Day gift.

The Good Birds and the Bad

2008-02-27T09:00:00.003+08:00

Chloe has been down with gastro-virus since last Sat, so it was just Nigel & I in the daily hike from staff apartments to the Cove this morning. On route, we witness a group of mynahs fighting, with one being pinned down.

After explaining to Nigel that the birds were fighting just like how his friends and siblings always do, he asked, "So which is the bad bird?". I drew an analogy to the fall he had last evening after a friend of his pushed him down and asked, "So were you the bad boy or your friend?", to which he answered, "I am the good boy and my friend was naughty to have pushed me down. So the bird who fell just now was the good bird, right?". Of course his answer was "RIGHT".

After some moments, he changed his mind, "Actually all the birds were good mummy, my friend was a good boy too!". That's my Nigel, very forgiving of people who offended him. In fact, when I fetched him yesterday from school, although he narrated his fall and all, he had forgiven his friend, gave him a big hug before he left, with the assurance that all was well.

And since Chloe was not around, I had the luxury of reading a story of a hermit crab outgrowing his shell to Nigel, drawing analogy of him outgrowing his clothes. He enjoyed the story so much, he requested that I read another one before leaving for work, a request that I acceded. When I left he was in tears, because Chloe was not around or was it that he knew that was one rare attention slot that mummy had given him for a long time and he has to wait a long while before the next one comes along?

I feel guilty on two counts, being pettier than Nigel and not giving him enough attention.

V Day 2008

2008-02-16T04:46:00.003+08:00

Was due for a lunch with boss and colleagues that day but guess what, MY ONE surprised me that morning with a lunch date. That he still bothers after so many years being together and us being so occupied with kids nowadays are testimonies of his love and commitment, nevermind the not really nice sushi lunch and that he got his pants drenched in hot sukiyaki soup, no thanks to the service staff. He doesn't like Japanese food to begin with but was game enough to go along with my choice.

A luxury these days, the day ended with a bouquet of roses. Though quite a waste of money, considering the cans of milk powder I could get with that, I am still thrilled.

The GIRLS

2008-02-16T04:32:00.002+08:00

Been reminding myself that I should get this down... ... lest something happens or my memory fails me, whichever comes earlier.

Over the CNY holidays, we brought the family to the East Coast Beach. The kids were delighted but forgetful mummy forgot to pack an extra set of clothes for Claire. Somehow when you have 4 to pack for, it gets harder to keep track. But if not for my forgetfulness, I would not have witnessed a touching exchange between the girls.

After their sand and water play, it was time to change up. The kiddos chose to go barefooted on route to the washrooms. However, the path was filled with pine fruits, those that gives you pokey pain when you walk on it. Sensing that Chloe, a hefty 13kg by now, had difficulty, Claire (my 23kg) carried her for the whole of the 200m journey, without a word of pain felt on her feet. The pain was rather unbearable even for me. But that was not the best part.

After bathing them, I realised my forgetfulness and promptly apologised to Claire. She thought nothing of it and just said, "Don't worry mum, I'll do fine with Nigel's worn clothes and the towels." And so we tracked back to campsite. Just as we approached, Chloe started her tandrums, ransacking our belongings, obviously looking for something but would not tell us what. Upon holding her firmly and asking in short sentences whilst maintaining eye contact, she finally blurted, "Jie Jie, dress?" and gestured to take her clothes off for Jie Jie.

For one, I know that should anything happen to mummy, Claire will be there for my special little Chloe girl. The bond between them, though not usually expressed in words, amazes me.

I was late, again... ...

2008-02-08T18:27:00.000+08:00

I was late for my god-daughter's funeral this afternoon, so reminicent of me being late for my dad's passing away some 10 years back. If only I had brought my mobile along during the visit this morning, I would have been able to see her off... ... just 20 mins was what I would ask of.

Seeing her mummy, my best pal, in the state that she was in, was heart wrenching. She blamed her negative thoughts for causing her baby's death, she wished she could go with her baby to take care of her... ... while I wished I could do more than crying and asking her to stay strong for hubby's sake. Ray was my god-daughter that I never got to meet, she remained in ICU since birth.

That Ray was cremated together with the toys and clothes I bought brought some solace, but the inability to collect her ashes and the resultant throwing of it into the sea did not. The family will continue our prayers for YC, CW & Ray who is now in heaven under God's TLC.

As I cradle Noah sleeping in my left arm right now, motherhood has taken on a new meaning... ...

On the Kids

2008-01-22T17:16:00.000+08:00

It's been a while ... ... must be the festive moods and difficulty in starting gears during new year ... ...

Latest updates goes like Noah just took his first 5 steps, really quite advanced in as far as the four went, he's only 10.5 months. He's really cute, chubby and endearing but always on the breast at night so mummy has been sleeping sideways for nights in a row, save for my little afternoon naps without him and those are the only luxuries (ability to sprawl on my bed unobstructed) I have in my life right now. He will cry for "mama" at night when he discovers I'm away even if it was just a short toilet break and is fighting with Chloe over toys right now, although Chloe always lets him have his way. Able to way bye bye and is excited at the slightest indication of a walk outside, pout if he is not able to follow his siblings along. Loves to eat and is into cheese and love letters. Amazingly, he's also able to point to his object/person of desire, a trait capable of 15 month toddlers and oh yes, he loves to dance with his butt, with or without music, at the slighest cajoling by his audience. What an interactive one!

Chloe just went for her re-assessment at KK yesterday. She was super cooperative, perhaps Nigel's presence did help, able to read out animals when the psychologist pointed them out, drew circles and lines, coloured her creations. Finally, we were able to place her on subsidised speech and language therapy. The private sessions at Mount Alvernia are burning a big hole in our already tight pockets with me going on half time. She was also able to sense my anger yesterday when they didn't behave themselves during the queue for waffles and was trying to make peace with me in her little ways. Definitely speaking alot more than before and of course complaining alot more about her brothers. We just planted her seed (given by Auntie Sharon) together last week and is eagerly waiting for it to grow. She has made improvements but is still developmentally behind as compared to her peers. Advised by the psychologist to talk more to her about her days in school and yes she has been going for gym classes to work on her coordination skills. We termed it the "hop hop jump jump" class for her and she's enjoying it. She has been and always will be my special one.

As for Nigel, well he has been displaying behavioural problems, perhaps due to the lack of attention at home. His teachers have been complaining that he has been disturbing his classmates in class and taking away their things without asking. Seems like the hard way does not work with this kid but the softer TLC way did. Promised and got him his power ranger shirt and new superman undie did help. At home, he's back to his trains and his little antics of hugs and kisses at the most unexpected of all times makes me love him more. Our daily walks to school and back do bond us closer together with his little talks of "When I grow up, I am going to... ..." and our daily visits to the fish ponds. Recently, he has been showering his big brotherly love to Chloe quite frequently in holding her hands when they walk and saving the press of the lift button for her. He does not seem like the athletic sort during his golf classes, not the academic sort too given that he's still not able to decipher alphabets and numbers as yet. Looks like we've got to start work on that, his phonics to begin with.

Claire has been doing very well at her new school. Just shared with her yesterday that I am very proud of her achievements thus far, ability to cope with her school load and extra classes on swimming and golf. Must really hand it to her, she was made the class monitor again even though she's new in the school. She has been really consientious in her work, doing them up straight after dinner upon return from school. During the mornings before school, she'll dabble into extra assessment work.

So although work has not been that smooth, I have lots to thank and be happy of in my life right now.

The BOYS

2007-12-13T04:05:00.000+08:00

Now that I am in a writing streak, I shall press on.

I had a wonderful day at my new place yesterday. Took the day off and stayed at home. Had a beautiful home cooked lunch with my "shrink" who shrank me further, hehehe ...... while Noah hung so endearingly close to me the whole day. He wouldn't let me out of his sight. The moment he discovered I am missing from his view, he started wailing for "ma". So sweet and cute right? At only 9 months, he really means what he says of "ma", "pa pa", "mum mum" and "pear". I know I am not supposed to compare but the difference between Chloe and Noah in terms of development is vast.

This write-up is about the boys. Then comes Nigel who came back home really happy last evening, compared to the previous when he was punished for graffiti creation. He was the key supporter of my white fungus dessert, slurping up at least 2 cups of it and wanting more of it than the cake that MY ONE bought. Such supportive audience I have in him. To top it all, though he was chided by yours truly for fussing during his bath, he ran spontaneously to give me a big bear hung before bed, again so endearing my boy.

It's been a LONG While

2007-12-02T19:10:00.000+08:00

It's been a long while since I last wrote, no topic, not so, no time definitely. Been hell of a rush at the homefront shifting and playing doctor since the shift. The whole family fell sick including yours truly with mycoplasma and Noah with bronchitis. Still nursing phelm with bloody streaks and hoping against all hopes that Noah's situation improves by Tues, else into the hospital he goes. Somehow the year end has always been a rough time for me, last year in Ithaca too when I was so sick and lonely that MY ONE had to fetch me home. Ray, my god-daughter is also critically ill fighting for her life in the ICU, how down can one get I ask?

Work front has not been smooth sailing too, deadlines, proposals, team-mates, bosses, sigh....to top it all HALF PAY does not translate to HALF TIME. Many days I find myself trapped in a vicious cycle of no money and no time for Chloe, the primary reason for my decision to go half time. Been neglecting her due to work but with my half pay, neither can I afford her the best therapists. Then begs the question of should I have gone further to explore the dangling carrot of being bought out to the private sector?

All these because of my sliding faith? Thankfully, there is MY ONE, the strong and sturdy that carries all the burdens on his shoulders while reassuring me that all will be fine and giving me his blessings to explore the chance at a second career. There's also Chloe who has improved so much since she joined Cat Cove that she is able to perform a musical with her classmates just last Fri and enjoying every moment of it. I fought back tears when I watched video clips of her performance, never in my wildest dream would I have imagined her being able to do so, especially seeing her in the state that she was when I was back about the same time now last year.

Do You Love French Fries?

2007-08-27T14:09:00.000+08:00

I am in the writing mood...

We brought the kids to view our new place this weekend. A swim and lunch were the highlights for them, what's more fried nuggets with fries and baked beans, all their favourites, only to be topped with ice-cream for dessert.

Teck was about to throw away his baked beans when I said, "Give them to mummy, mummy loves baked beans!" And knowing the ice-cream was coming real soon and Teck had yet to finish his fries, instead of saying he was full and could then hop onto his ice-cream, he looked at me with the most innocent eyes and asked, "Mummy, do you love french fries?", knowing full well that I would eat up his remnants without getting a earful from me for not finishing his food.

What a negotiator Teck!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

2007-08-27T14:04:00.000+08:00

"I carried B-cube for the first time just now. The sister let me provide kangaroo care, which means we had plenty of skin contact. She slept very well in my arms. I am the happiest person on earth now!"

An sms from my best pal which really made my day, amidst the slew of bad news that have kept me thinking for weeks. What can beat the bond between mother and child, reaffirming all the tough decisions I had to make these few weeks for Chloe.

Finally, the puzzle is unravelled.

Torn

2007-08-02T10:22:00.000+08:00

MY ONE is overseas this week and boy things seem to run crazy during his absence. I fell ill, so did my mum, the kids are really quite a handful, especially Chloe. I felt so exasperated with her these 2 mornings when she refused to eat her breakfast at the day care centre. Instead she plays hide-and-seek with me and threw her usual temper tandrums. Is it me? Am I being too tough on her such that we both parted so upset with each other these two mornings? I mean what's the big deal about not eating breakfast? She'll go hungry and lose more weight when she's already so skinny now and then? And Claire has her series of exams this week too, neighbour below insists that we fix our leaking pipe asap when I can't even see the leak and was only informed of the situation on Tues. Of course all the night feedings for Noah means less than 4 hours sleep. BIG SIGH!

To add on to issues, my request for part-time isn't going that smoothly in office. I mean people chose to read whatever they want to but when questioned, though I feel bad for making such a request now when I just came back from sponsored study, what do they know about my situation and Chloe's? I have lost so much time with her when I was in the States, which is probably the reason why she's slower in her development, and I can't afford to lose anymore right now! Who knows the demands of coping with 4 young kids, holding a full time job, while hubby is seemingly not around when things happen, better than me? Wasn't there this talk about how many civil servants being on the part-time scheme? And all these people must have strong medical condition to go on that scheme?

Maybe I am just fretting over Chloe's assessment next Mon......I seriously hope so!

Life Choices

2007-07-26T14:07:00.000+08:00

Feels good having made a call knowing that it is the right one. I have informed my bosses about my decision to go on part-time scheme so as to handle Chloe's schedule. It was a tough call given that career has always been a more pressing focus for me all along. But after the US trip, B-cube and hearing about my colleague's son who is fighting leukeamia, judgement was much swifter. Am hoping for a similar efficiency at getting Chloe back on track as that at work.

Brave Mama?

2007-07-06T14:43:00.000+08:00

For I am not after seeing what my best pal has gone through, is going through and will go through for her beloved baby, whom I shall now term B-cube (Brave BB).

Conception, a process that MY ONE & I took for granted, was already trying for my pal to begin with. Pills and operation aside, she was bed-bound for the most part of the short pregnancy. Amidst alarms of down-syndrome, she persevered. Still, her body took the better of the pregnancy when B-cube has to be delivered so as to save both their lives at 24 weeks. My pal was lapsing into a stroke due to the preeclampsia condition. And B-cube was a tiny 400g.

Visiting my pal was trying as I am always at a lost of words and could only cry. I know words of comfort and concern for her health meant little, if any, neither am I in a position to say I understand as that would have been hypocrisy at its best. All I could do is to pray and offer some kind words via sms. Her most recent being that the doctors could no longer find veins on B-cube for blood transfusion such that they have to do that via those in her brain now. This was telling compared to her previous ones on B-cube not being to poo etc.

Can someone unveil the puzzle for my pal and B-cube soon?

Noah Boy

2007-03-11T16:51:00.000+08:00

Announcing the arrival of Noah on 1 March after 14 hours of hard labour by mummy, weighing 3.4kg ... ...

Jie Jie Claire and Kor Kor Teck having a good time carrying him, before Teck caught the chicken pox ... ...

Claire (Part 2)

2007-02-26T16:14:00.000+08:00

Hands Dirty
Chloe pee-ed in her pants one afternoon. She is currently under going toilet training. With only a helper and me at home, she was tended by the helper whilst I scooped around for a rag to clean up the mess. Seeing that I had difficulty bending to wet the rag, my Claire instinctively offered to clear her mei mei's mess, asked that I sit at the sofa. That she appreciated my physical discomfort and offered to get her hands dirty over mei mei's urine rendered me speechless.
Star Chart
I started a star chart at home for Teck and Claire. For every piece of good work they put up, a star will be awarded. And just like hotel loyalty programs, stars can be exchanged for gifts. Whilst Teck will negotiate for a bargain to exchange for his trains, Claire accumulated her stars. When asked what would she like to exchange for, her answer, "Mummy, I don't need anything now. Can I save them till when I need something in school?" Not forgetting, she opted for a cheaper pair of shoes so that the $10 saved could be channelled towards a funfair rides for Teck and her.
Baby Sitter
Chloe was throwing her tandrums when Claire was having her favourite mushroom soup for lunch. Noticing that the helper could not handle her tandrums, she dropped her lunch and distracted her mei mei with song and dance, knowing that Chloe loves to dance. Only when Chloe seemed appeased did Claire walk back to the dining table and continue with her cold soup.

Claire (Part 1)

2007-02-26T16:04:00.001+08:00

Claire came home from school having shitted in her pants, think the stress of 2 tests in a day and my early morning mushroom soup got the better of her digestive system. My mum flew into a rage, screaming at and shaming her with remarks like what a fine example as a monitor she was and how her friends would all distance themselves from her henceforth.

I witnessed my shadow in Claire. That was how I was brought up, caning, screaming and shaming were commonplace in little things that have gone wrong. For my mum, the stress of livelihood got the better of her then. But I wonder what it is now that financial stability is no longer a concern. Can't help but walked over and hugged my shivering Claire, told her it's perfectly okay and all it takes next time is to ask for permission to go to the loo. She broke down, sadly and loudly. Till today, I still associate my pessimism, low self esteem and lack of confidence to my childhood days and do not wish the same for my kids.

A little more about my Claire and the little things she has done that really touched me so ... ... in the next post.

My Valentine(s)?

2007-02-14T11:41:00.000+08:00

Went for a gynea visit yesterday, all's well save we can't see Noah's face coz' he's all ready to arrive, with his head facing down and in and spine facing out. Nagging thoughts of whether he looks fine linger... ... must be pregnancy hormones but then again, I have always been a pessimist.

Wanted to go for a good V-Day lunch subsequently but alas our little adventure to Vivocity landed us in Giant and foodcourt. MY ONE was all so apologetic for making me walk just for a foodcourt fare but I was all so thankful and happy for my western food, fried hokkien mee and a plate of fruits as our V-Day meal. The food was delicious and company was great! Who cares where we are eating or what we are eating as long as MY ONE is with me?

On our way home, MY ONE said he will have to work late last night to make up for the morning with me, to which I responded no worries, I have 3.5 little ones to keep me company. But when night time came, he surprised me with a bouquet of roses and a cake, much to the delight of the kids as they know they will be having the cake as supper. It's been a while since we last had a cake, austerity drive la.

To think that at my age and stage (looking every inch an Ah Soh, fat and super round), MY ONE still bothers to surprise me on V-Day, a day which he insists has been heavily commercialised. Although my heart aches for the $30 bouquet which is equivalent to a can of milk powder, can't help but smile to sleep last night.

Contractions are on the way, I wonder if Noah will be a Valentine baby.

Label

2007-02-12T20:53:00.000+08:00

Chloe will be going for her developmental screening at KK this Thursday. This visit has been the source of my recent many sleepless nights, of course the documentary on autism in CNA had lots to contribute too.

Her playgroup principal highlighted some signs that Chloe displays which suggested that LABEL, so did the documentary on her climbing ways and inability to express her wants through verbal communication but through tandrums and screams.

I am scared, really scared. If indeed she will be labeled so on Thursday, the cause of which is genetic, what about the little Noah that's kicking within now?

I begin to ask did my absence bring about the rapid development of this recessive gene? What a mother I have been!

Last of Pregnant Days ... ...

2007-02-06T12:44:00.000+08:00

Miscount (yet again) of days landed me in today's sorry state of not knowing for sure the gestational age of baby Noah, that's how I got pregnant anyway! He ranges from 35 to 37 weeks and labour is due anytime from 36 weeks.

To add on to that, I am suffering from this naggy pelvic and lower back pain, restricting my movements and confining me to bed. What a sorry state for the last pregnancy, yes this will be my last! When asked for the cause of this condition, gynea attributed it to frequency and age! But what age? I am only in my early thirties!!!! Frequency no doubt.

Still, I am really looking forward to the arrival of baby Noah. Can't explain but am super overwhelmed with maternal instincts for this little one. Started reading and watching programmes on pregnancy, child birth, development etc, albeit a little late, starting only for #4.

To all my critics and cynics out there on my inability to count and suggesting that I surrender my CPA, I will definitely have the last laugh in 5 years' time.

Claire the Monitor, Daddy the MONSTER?

2007-01-25T11:12:00.000+08:00

Sheepishly Claire showed me her new badge after school yesterday, it says, "MONITOR". "WOW" I went, "Good job! Do you have a partner in class?", to which she answered, "Yes, Beverly."

Over dinner, when MY ONE came home, can't help but brag about the excellent genes that I have passed on to Claire. Out of the blue, Teck suddenly asked, "Daddy, were you a monitor when you were in school like Jie Jie Claire?"

"Of course!", came the reply. Teck suddenly burst into laughter and commented, "Daddy, you were the MONSTER in class is it?".

MY ONE and my TECK, one more to add to the manhood in family, my ERN due soon... ...

JIP AH... ...

2007-01-16T08:33:00.000+08:00

Seems like my blog is getting only monthly updates, still I am trying okay?

MY ONE and Nigel were seated on the sofa one evening enjoying a game of soccer together. Suddenly, Ah Teck blurted, "Daddy, JIP AH!", so boorish, only MY ONE is capable of training his son for that and to think that another boy will be arriving soon. Perchance a "Daddy, referee KELONG/KAYU!" in due course... ...

MY LIFE... ...

Home Finally and ...fat

2006-12-21T19:38:00.000+08:00

Arrived home finally last Wed, still recovering from jet lag but boy it really feels good to be home, sweet potato soup, tao hui and white chicken rice, my 3 lovely babies, my mummy and my amazing hubby! He has really done such a wonderful job looking after the family during my absence. Seems like our initial fear of growing apart during my half a year away was totally unfounded, we grew very very much closer, appreciative of each other.

Amidst the good food, I lost 2 kg since I arrived, must be the running after my babies. Still, it feels good to be woken up daily by the 3 of them screaming into my ears shouting "mummy" and kissing me all over my face, than compared to waking up to find myself all alone in a tiny small room, cold and shivering.

My youngest, Chloe, is still trying to get used to my presence. Although she's developmentally 6 to 9 months behind her peers but she's such a happy baby, bringing joy to others around her too and true to her animal sign (Monkey), she's a jolly good climber, too swift and fast for me even, needless to mention my mum!

Nigel, my second, made this really innocent comment the other day when we were queueing at the post office. He observed me and the rest of the crowd in the queue and blurted, "Mummy, you very FAT le!", much to the amusement of those in the queue. Of course I had to explain that I was not FAT, just that didi Noah is in mummy, that's why my belly is so huge!

Claire, my eldest, is still the closest to me. She's now my able assistant chef in the kitchen, capable in whipping up pizza, pancake, etc and cleaning up the mess left by her little brother and sister. Brought her out yesterday to stock up her P1 stuff and boy she was matured enough to pick the lowest cost ones so as to save for toys and titbits for Nigel and Chloe, warning me not to take the second deck of the bus and to keep of ice-cream even. She has really grown during my absence.

I have never felt so blessed to be home. Seems like the half a year away was a journey that I had to make to appreciate what I have. I thank God for this journey and the little Noah in me that's kicking right now for breakfast!

Can't Wait

2006-11-27T06:18:00.000+08:00

I really can't wait to get home, been smiling to myself in bed recently whenever the thought that I will be home in less than 3 weeks rings in my mind, even though I have been fighting this super strong strand of viral infection for the past week. It's really sad to be sick and lonely in a faraway place.

As I look back, yes I did learn lots about myself and the industry and have acquired new knowledge but the question is will I do it again, leaving my family behind for half a year just so as to learn all these? Perhaps not, the sacrifices that they have to put in and the seemingly never ending trials during this past half year have really worn me out, physically and mentally. Although one thing is for sure, if MY ONE were to go anywhere for work now, I will drop everything and bring the family along.

I really just can't wait to get home, 15 more days to the plane ride and 3.5 assignments and projects to go! I WILL SURVIVE!

Causeway in States?

2006-10-04T00:18:00.000+08:00

An interesting exchange in class this morning made me realise how much of a Singaporean I am when I literally fought for the reputation of my country, yes me, can you imagine? The usually docile, go with the flow me? Saddled with pregnancy still?

It all started when a fellow classmate of mine from across the causeway commented that he was surprised with the super low uncertainty avoidance index that Singapore had in an academic paper vis a vis other countries. Comments like Singaporeans are risk adverse, can't thrive in chaos and an illustration of the length of time Singapore took to come to terms with having casinos, albeit with 8 years of living in Singapore.

I can't help but rebutted that the index was not a measure of risk adversity. It was a measure of how countries deal with uncertainties. Not that Singaporeans cannot thrive in chaos, we plan in advance how to deal with chaos, hence not that we dislike uncertainties but we try to avoid that by planning for them. As to the length of time we took for the casino decision, weren't Asians a high-context region where implicit signals and thoughts have to be solicited and widely debated before a public decision can be accepted? Surely, the length of time one takes to deliberate upon a decision is not a reflection of one's risk appetite. Else Thailand will be considered more risk adverse than Singapore but how do we explain its higher uncertainty avoidance index then?

In the language of excel, another case of circular references. But still I have to thank my classmate for yet another awakening spark of my identity.

Strength Amidst Adversity

2006-09-20T06:38:00.000+08:00

It has been confirmed. We will be losing our third classmate next week. MY has been diagnosed to have first stage cancer. Although surgery and radiation options are available here but at dispersed locations. Staying put to struggle through the remaining three months will mean lots of travelling and loneliness too without her family by her side.

But guess what, unlike the whiny me, MY stood strong when the news broke, remain so when she broke the news to the class. It seems like we are more affected than her. But underneath that fortitude, I sense helplessness. Who wouldn't be to know of such news at one's prime time, pursuing one's dreams with endless ones to come after graduation.

The silver lining behind the dark cloud though is that it's still stage one, pretty isolated and MY should recover fully and join us in Jan next year. Amidst all these, I sense God's grace in the whole episode, MY too. If she hadn't join the program and was put through the rigourous health checks, this diagnosis would have been much delayed.

I am saddened by the loss of yet another classmate and morale has been hit to its low once again but I wish MY the very best and I thank God for yet another lesson learned, "Strength Amidst Diversity" and of course "The silver lining behind every dark cloud".

Loneliness....(reflection of MY ONE's post)

2006-08-14T08:50:00.000+08:00

Read MY ONE's latest post on the above, can't help but to craft a response... ...

Reading his brought tears, especially at this time when I am all alone out here with only no.4 and of course the non-stop puking, workload and pining for my family. I never knew I needed them so much until I had to survive here alone. Those nights when I had to "put up" with my little ones' incessant noise whilst rushing out my next assignment were badly missed. Think they were the white noise that I badly need to keep focused. Now when I have all the silence to myself, I am not as productive or efficient.

Needless to say, the absence of MY ONE is indeed crippling. I am no longer as cheery, as focused, as disciplined... ... and of course I no longer SHOP. Yap my favourite activity is gone. I have never gone through this phase in life when I don't feel like trying anymore, I don't want to hang on anymore. I just feel so much like packing up and going back to my comfort zone, carrying No. 4 to full term and putting whatever career plans I have on hold. Not that I doubt my survival chances but I am just so tired of having to be strong, I just wanna go back to MY ONE coz' I am just not me without him.

New York... ... finally

2006-07-08T18:14:00.000+08:00

In New York for about 6 days or so, will let the pictures tell the story.

At Newark Airport waiting for the bus to city, after an 18 hour flight and an equally long tearful farewell from my kids (I still look good, don't I?)

Exhausted after pulling 3 pieces of lugguage from 42nd street to 34th street, Pen Hotel. Best part was, hotel could not locate our reservation (we nearly had to sleep on the streets) and after they found it, they checked us in to an occupied room! Thankfully the couple weren't doing anything MUCH! So much of hospitality for us!

Awaiting fireworks on 4th July... ... (but we didn't make it in the end......)

The "Bull Run" on Wall Street and finally... ...

Roasted Duck rice that tasted really good in Chinatown.

Been in Ithaca for 3 days, not much time to snap pictures as yet. Weather here is really lovely and I am beginning to like the 25 mins (longer coz' yours truly'e legs aren't that spectacularly long) to school. Pretty small town, got to say goodbye to city life for now. Tried out golf at one of the scenic courses and will be doing winery today... ... tune in for more pictures. Right now it's time to catch up on some sleep time, have not recovered from jet lag.

Surprisingly Thirty-One

2006-06-18T13:06:00.000+08:00

A surprise birthday bash right after corporate finance class, my classmates "in cohoots" with Dr Sen......of course not fogetting Chewy Chew's lead "oscar performance" in this episode. Thanks to mob leader Osman, my favourite chocolate cake and PINK hairclips.

Most of all, thanks to all my dear classmates, here's to a wonderful year together.

You're Still the ONE

2006-06-18T09:56:00.000+08:00

This one from MY ONE brought me to tears last evening,

"You're still the one I want to love forever.

You're still the one I want to wake up with every morning and snuggle with every night,
the one I want to share my dreams with,
build castles in the air with,
the one whose hand I want to hold when I'm afraid,
whose shoulder I want to lean on when I need support.

You're still the one I want to enourage to make your dreams come true,
the one I want to comfort when you need a source of strength,
the one I want to hold close always...

You're still the one,
the only one,
I want to love forever."

How very apt, the lines in blue at this time. On my 31st birthday, borrowing lines from my corporate finance class, I've gotten a riskless return from the arbitrage on marriage.

First Week@CNI

2006-05-14T19:12:00.001+08:00

Click on the link for a peep at my first week with Cornell-Nanyang Institute of Management: http://cnimmh2007.blogspot.com/

Life is really hectic, from tug of war to writing, communication and presentation drills and of course my much dreaded networking sessions, I can only expect the situtation to get busier as days go by. Imagine having classes on Vesak Day, our public holiday? Somehow, sometimes I still wonder how and why am I doing this? Coupled with the 4 years bond after the programme, how am I going to survive this?

But I did see some personal improvements, at least for now I am able to convince myself to chat a total stranger up and intelligently too, all for the sake of business. My dean told us on day one that we are responsible to clinch our own internship!!! Have only done so for students, now I've got to clinch one for MYSELF???? Dear Joseph, your theory of clinching attachments deals for our own kids took a step further to MYSELF!

My classmates are really a diverse lot but we got along really fine. Can only say for now that graduate studies are really different and although it was just only 3 days together, I have learnt a deal from them, looking forward to more.

Casanova Teck

2006-02-28T22:29:00.000+08:00

Teck just turned three recently. However we suspect that his testosterone level is probably that of an early teen. With unrequited infatuations of a senior by the name Stacy and his classmate Fena, my poor boy has joined the ranks of the "houseflies", a term MY ONE generously uses on my twindling fan base.

I felt my face turned red when witnessing the way Teck held Stacy's hands when he talked endearingly to her whilst holding unblinking glances of her face and long hair, albeit vertically upwards (remember Stacy is his senior, hence the vertical challenge for Teck). I also noticed Stacy's grandma's discomfort by their side. Fena's daddy was probably the more "understanding" one with his easy body language when I thought I saw Teck drool a little whilst talking to Fena.

Should we send him to an all boys school or a co-ed one, a decision most troubling to be made in 3 years' time.

Humanity

2006-01-23T10:17:00.000+08:00

My family and I were caught in the rain at the bus-stop last Sat after Novena service. Having only 2 umbrellas, I instinctly instucted MY ONE to use one and drive the car over whilst getting my mum, helpers and kids to share the the remaining one, ever prepared to carry all the barang (and big pram) and dashing it out in the rain so that the rest would be dry.

Then a fellow believer in Christ, although from a foreign land, walked over and handed me her only umbrella, only to dash out in the rain immediately after. My subsequent efforts to return the umbrella proved futile. Yes, it was just a tiny little umbrella, many would say, but it touched my heart so warmly that even the heavy rain could not dampened. It now sits in a special place next to a picture of Mother Mary, always reminding me of humanity.

Haunting Past

2005-12-12T13:10:00.000+08:00

What will you do when the past haunts you? Avoid the recollection of the past, kill it off or accept it and move on? I met someone today who reminded me of a past that I do not want to remember, I just wished our paths didn't cross.

My Fellow Crusader

2005-12-09T14:32:00.000+08:00

Over lunch yesterday, I found a fellow crusader in the war against mid-life crisis. awn was only one block away from my office, but a distance seemingly so far that we hardly met up with each other on campus.

Our paths crossed since primary school and most unfortunately we have crossed swords since. As awn said it during my wedding speech, we competed in almost everything. From being the Chinese teacher's favourite pet to the most precise cross-stitcher, and almost always your truly had emerged the winner, save for the gift of the gap and English language. Thankfully, we have never competed in the game of love, although yours truly had always lost terribly in the game of attention. Those days walking with awn even to a nearby toilet in school is agonising. Before I could even complete my conversation with her, we would be interupted by screams of "awn is here! awn is here!" before her fans scurried for cover.

And nope her mid-life crisis was not about being the next firewoman or newscaster, hers was about a search for THE perfect love. But worldly love is never perfect, isn't she making life miserable for herself and others who love her to continue in this search for the perfect love? Simply put, awn is looking for a perfect love situation. To me, love is sharing my life with one that I could connect my soul with, regardless of the imperfections of my love interest. And that to me is not a compromise, like what awn puts it, it is love, accepting my love for who he is and celebrating it as well. What happened to your "mAcroscopic" training in sociology awn? Vis-a-vis my "mIcroscopic" training in accounting.

Although we couldn't quite agree on the topic of love, but we do agree that the onslaught of our mid-life crisis stems from our need to further nurture ourselves. Then we could have current and refreshing experiences to share with our protege. "Fackos" we shall not be, to China awn will go and to NY for me (hopefully). My accounting instinct insists that awn could "drop-by" enroute to China.

It is amazing how 2 good old pals who have not caught up for so long could connect almost instantaneously over a lunch gathering. Looking forward to our next connection.

Mid-Life Crisis

2005-12-02T10:11:00.000+08:00

Yap, that's me during the past 2 months or so, always thinking of trying out new things but never having the guts too. From newscaster to host to baker to policewoman to housewife to even fireman (or should that be a firewoman), these were thoughts that occupied me every free second I had.

From an experienced point of view, MY ONE diagnosed me as suffering from "Mid-Life Crisis". He recovered from it not so long ago with a super indulgent therapy called "the Tuscani". And I am likely to go into a similar therapy, "Studying Overseas", something I had always wanted to do (again) but never had the money and guts too. But why now?

I reckon if not now, it will be never. My little ones will grow into formal education in a year's time, my mummy will be older and much frailer in a year's time and MY ONE will be sailing again, all in a year's time. So when I still have time and space to rediscover myself within this year, I better do so, even though I may come back a beggar.

My dear friends, wish me all the best!

First "mama"

2005-09-27T10:01:00.000+08:00

Finally the day came when Chloe uttered her first "mama". Daddy claimed that "papa" came first but without any evidence... ... Work at it Di!

First Video Blog

2005-09-18T13:18:00.000+08:00

Lost

2005-08-25T07:37:00.000+08:00

Been really lost recently, not sure where I am heading in life. Thought this phase of constant search for meaning in life is only applicable to teens and not aunties like me. Menopausal? Withdrawal symptons with the approach of semestral breaks? Shouldn't my life now be a picture of bliss with 3 lovely kids and a doting hubby and mum?

I hope to be found soon.

Fools

2005-08-12T10:27:00.000+08:00

The nice saying goes, "Great minds think alike", and the not-so-nice one goes, "Fools seldom defer".

Heard this from FD (Flying Dutchman) over air yesterday morning, "Why make a fool of yourself in public when in private people already think so?"

My audience probably thought so but the enthusiasm overdrive in me always attempt to prove them right, in public. But hey, I am trying to entertain alright. Like I have always thought that I would be Karen Mok's keenest competitor if ever given a chance at show biz.

Empathy

2005-07-26T07:56:00.000+08:00

(JL would have guessed that I am sure to blog about this and yes you couldn't have been more right!)

Empathy, an ability to understand other people's feelings and problems, a word with simple meanings but yet a word so hard to verbalise my personal feelings on. Was asked to share my teaching expriences last evening. Had the game plan all set the night before and thought it will be smooth but alas my emotions got the better of me during the part about how empathy was practised on me and how I am doing likewise to my herd, the weaker one.

All I wanted to relate was how a teacher changed my life through his "extraordinary" ways, how he taught me perseverance when he never once gave up on me even though I was the weakest in the team, how he empathise with my family situation then by keeping me under his wings and gave me an outlet to expense my endless energy instead of getting into trouble and how he gave me lasting friendships through his seemingly "morbid" ways of team punishment.

Perhaps the email below sent out during his last hours speak more of what I meant:

"Dear friends, I managed to sneak or barge in last evening to talk to him. And yes old habits die hard, my tears began to drop the moment I went in. He was still very alert, recognised me after I said my name, second sentence was "you the cry baby lah, how is your mum?" My mum teared when I told her that last night when I was back at home.

He was still trying very hard to act tough, could speak, quite well, but could see with much difficulty as he was breathing through the respirator and not his nose. Nick was with me, introduced him and then he started to talk about the Navy collision????

I held his hand, and I said, "We are here to thank you for all that you have taught us out of the classrooms, those lessons have served all of us well even till now" and nick added, "they are all very grateful to you". Then I started waterfalling, sorry really couldn't control myself seeing him so skinny except for the stomach.

He looked away and with pride said "yah back then you all dislike those days but I was very sure that sometime down the road, I will be appreciated". He then went on to give us tribute, told Nick that "they are much tougher back then compared to the students now. Back then quadrangle was wet, made them run upteen rounds, no accidents happened, now students break their arms and legs just climbing dry stairs, dunno whether I am lucky or wat. I am sure you sense the declining standard in the military too right?". Obviously Nick agreed.

We then talked about my student who was his latest batch of grads. Ended with "I am very glad to see that you are happily married with kids and mum. Dun worry I will rest well and be back soon". From the way he described about his condition, he is either not aware or he does not want to reveal. He thanked us for the flowers.

So for those of you who can, sneak in about 6-630 in the evening, that what I did. It seems like he's better in the evening. I felt sad but equally happy after the visit that I have managed to convey our thanks and gratitude to a teacher who have really had such a great impact in my life, he gave me my friends, he gave me my confidence, he changed my life. He would be very very happy to see us, really we just have to get past his wife and relatives, I beg for my way in last evening. So well go try again this evening."

Most of my friends didn't make it to see him for the last time.

So back to empathy, an ability to understand other people's feelings and problems, an irony in itself, did I not understand my very own feelings last evening or did I understand them too well?

Podcasting Trial

2005-07-20T22:05:00.000+08:00

My First Podcast, on accounting of course.

Alternatively, tune in to my podcast channel at http://www.garageband.com/user/ccf2/podcast/main.xml using iTunes from apple.com.

Enjoy......

Signing off,

the deejay wannabe

Graduation

2005-07-14T11:00:00.000+08:00

Nope not mine, wish it was though, my students'. After three years of hard work and sweat, they truly deserved the celebbration.

Mr F.K.

Students whom I had sweat hard with

My hip hop dance instructress in the centre

All pretty girls......

Matching Principle

2005-07-08T08:02:00.000+08:00

Writing overdrive currently.

A couple of years back, when asked "Should boys be matched to girls, or girls to boys?", the male gender would shout out the latter whilst the feminine tribe would giggle the former. I do not teach social development, but accounting, in case you are wondering.

When asked recently, the answer I got was "Like poles attract now cher, boys to boys and girls to girls, where were you?"

Last evening, MY ONE asked if I would like to go to a new club opening tomorrow as first 500 ladies get free membership. When asked why not the men and why no men's nite (as opposed to ladies' nite), his reply was ladies draw men but he wasn't sure what a men's nite would draw.

Will we come a full cycle soon to revert back to the good old days of Adam & Eve?

Shrink Shrunk?

2005-07-07T09:37:00.000+08:00

There is this onsite shrink that I see in office. Not that she's qualified but whenever I need a listening ear, frank feedback or just a hug, her cubicle will be my place of solace. My shrink never fails to warm my heart and give it another pump to face life's challenges again. Recently, she has been seeing more "patients" than usual. I was just kidding the other day that I could be her counter "nurse" to collect fees and dispense "medicine".

The day came when my shrink reacted quite strangely. The "shrinkness" that she has rubbed off me sensed something was amiss. I hesitated to help coz' I am neither good with words nor qualified. My proscrastination left me guilt-ridden. The beans split the next day. Not that my shrink has "shrunk" but she's a human being afterall. All human beings need affirmation and love, just like my shrink.

I hope my hug helped, don't think my words did, as usual. But I am really glad that my shrink has bounced back today.

Teaching Philosophy

2005-07-07T09:18:00.000+08:00

Was stunned when asked for one recently. What philosophy? I am just a teacher!

"I am not a teacher but a learner in this journey."

Legend (in Reflections)

"I am here to make that difference, even if it is only one."

Legend (in Empathy)

"You have the gift of enthusiasm, use it wisely."

A teacher who once taught Legend... ...

"Do unto others what one wants others to do unto you."

Legend (in Clicks and Cliché)

"A stagnant mind brings about a walking corpse."

Legend (in The End)

After weeks of searching, indeed I have one, although still progressing very slowly towards the ideal state. What's yours?

No prizes for guessing who the Legend wannabe was.

Tiring Fun

2005-07-01T14:24:00.000+08:00

Tried an exercise on treasure hunt with a class of mine last tues and well the photos speak for themselves......

Seemingly uninterested at the beginning, with whines like "can we just complete the worksheets and not walk out to search for the clues". What is a hunt without the hunting? Of course there were exceptions like JXXX, who came very prepared for the hunt, albeit getting the day wrong to be the tues before last. And so he came, last last tues, with his sandals, cap, etc....all prepared for the hunt, on a wrong day unfortunately.

Enough about JXXX, the joker, the hunt picked up momentum at about 2p.m. with the hunters working in herds in search for the clue slips. And by 215p.m. the winning tribe triumphantly ran into base station, Ben, Jeremy, Zuo Yang, Jia Hao, although sweating profusely and panting as well. What's with the sports and wellness programme? It seemingly didn't do much to their fitness hah?

Whilst the winning tribe danced away with $20 worth of starbucks vouchers, the runner-up tribe, Si Wei, Si Hua, Wee Seng & Francis could only busy their brain cells with how 2 movie tickets could be shared amongst four people.

That's why the dejected look, maybe?

Although I am some bucks poorer by the hunt, I am bountifully rewarded knowing that they had some fun whilst learning. Some were so keen, not sure if sincere or not, to ask for more hunts, or was it the prizes they are up to?

Anyway, cheers to all you good people......

Surprisingly Thirty

2005-06-21T09:04:00.000+08:00

Finally the day came, after one long week in office and a late but less than eventful night's out with MY ONE.

I had a stomach upset and aching wrist to mark the beginning of my 30, machinery is old perhaps. Nonetheless, I insisted on a morning brunch at a chinese food outlet which I had been eyeing for some time. Food tasted really to my liking, obviously not to Di's coz' well it was too bland. Collected my own birthday cake and was thinking to myself, "Wow, what a birthday? Having to collect my own cake!" But it was chocolate banana, my favourite.

Had to nap and woke up to a bathing ammes in my place, as disclosed by my spy Claire. Sensing something's not too right, MY ONE finally confessed that he had planned for a surprise 30th birthday bash for me, inviting the KARKEYS, my good old pals since primary school. "You mean I am having a SURPRISE 30th birthday bash!"

The karkeys really made an effort to come all "surprisingly" at the same time, but knowing the karkeys, that was no mean feat. So it started off with ammes in my shower, then trickling in with ity, ange, awn, lulu, gina, cheryl and finally robbie. My mother-in-law made her appearance too even though she shouldn't be after the laser op. My dad-in-law, my uncle, auntie and cousin, almost 20 at my tiny home.

Pressies and ang pows aside, special mention must be given to MY ONE who got all this planned on the sly, thrown in with self arranged flowers. The karkeys for the well-thought sponsored hair-do to come at my dream salon, gina and cheryl for the whitening skin care series, my mum for making all these possible... ...sure beginning to sound like a soap opera to be.

My Family

The Karkeys

The Pressies (nope nothing in pink!)

So snapping out of it, I had my birthday wish granted, my 3 little ones blowing my 3 big candles, what more can one ask for?

Thanks Di for this "surprisingly thirty".

My Three Little Ones

2005-06-16T07:42:00.000+08:00

Latest picture of my three little ones......

How have Claire grown, she's going for a Chinese camp at Snow City today, Teck is still with his pacifier. He's at the irritatingly cute and innocent toddler stage. Chloe, the super interactive toy.

How I wish I am on leave today.

The countdown to weekend begins......

Seeing PINK Again

2005-06-15T07:48:00.000+08:00

Yes, MY ONE got me another bag and it is PINK again. But it was done in good taste for my big 3.

After a late night fuel pumping trip yesterday, MY ONE asked me to help grab his bag from his alter-ego, his car. But to my surprise, it was no work bag waiting for me in the boot, it was a nicely wrapped DIOR bag awaiting my collection.

So thrilled at the lovely packaging, I wasted no time in opening up the parcel with Claire when we reached home. There it was, a lovely sweet PINK number staring at me, exactly the same design that I have, ahem, 2 imitations of.

Never in my wildest dream had I thought that I would own a REAL Dior bag. With my current currency converter in cans of milk powder or bags of pampers, splurging on one was definitely beyond my accounting sense. But it was not the bag that brought me to tears but the card in the parcel that did, it read......

"If I've taken you for granted and made you feel blue,
Let me say I love and cherish you.
If I've made you feel small and made you cry,
Sorry I'll change, your tears I'll dry.
If these past few weeks have been tough for you,
Just know that I'm aware what you've been through.
If I've not told you how much you mean to me,
Let me say that you, Claire, Nigel and Chloe are my everything.

So for all the things I've done and done wrong,
Please forgive me!
Coz' on this special day,
I only want you to be happy.
And I hope my little things can make you feel happy
and all brand new.
So happy 30th birthday,
God's blessings, love and kisses will come your way."

What can I say but God's blessings had already come a long way. Thanks Di but it's now back to work to earn back the lost cans of milk powder and bags of pampers.

Pink Bag

2005-06-10T08:08:00.000+08:00

Just before lunch ended yesterday, my seniors asked "What's with that pink phase of yours?", they were referring to the pink bag I was carrying.

Just before class ended yesterday, a student of mine, code-named WQ, said, "Mrs Lim, please don't take offence to what I am going to say but your pink bag really looks ugly!". No offence of course, maybe just participation marks in class......just kidding!

Before you get the wrong ideas, I DID NOT BUY THAT BAG! It was a gift from MY ONE with Claire as his accomplice, or so he claimed. Then again, given the good genes from me, I trust that Claire has better taste. So no prizes for guessing who the ultimate guilty aka unstylo one is.

My dear friends, since my big 3 is round the corner, be forewarn, do not get me anything PINK! No luminous yellow too, that was history!

Time

2005-06-07T11:34:00.000+08:00

Time, an asset which is truly short in my life currently. I never seemed to be able to have time for my 3 little ones, MY ONE, my beloved mummy, my students and my work. Where did all my time go? I hardly have 5 hours of sleep each day currently? Is it an efficiency issue here? Or am lacking in borrowed time (liability) or invested time (owner's equity). OK I know, I am taking accounting to the extreme.

Reached home close to 9 last night and felt really guilty towards my little ones. There they were so excited at the sight of me (also because MY ONE is not around) and here I am all so worn out and tired after a full day of meetings that I could only summon enough energy to read 2 books to them. So heck my exercise schedule for the day (although I could really feel my spare tyre building up already), my resolution would be to go home on time to bring them for a swim today.

Claire, Nigel & Chloe, wait for mummy yah?

Dinner Date

2005-06-02T09:50:00.000+08:00

Met up with my students last evening for dinner, and MY ONE insisted on coming along, for fear of any plausible unknown competitors. Of course after the first glance, he knew better that there are none to begin with, they are my students for goodness sake!

Conversational topics range from the common BGR to NS to universities, but never to supermarkets, babies and sales which yours truly is guru in. One of them, code-named FK, will be enlisted come 11 June, a date most dreaded in his mind I am sure. But being the very personal FK, no feelings about THE occasion was forthcoming.

To confess, I have been unduely sacarstic to him, remarks ranging from height to hairdo to outfits were aplenty in our exchanges. That's not to say that he didn't have fun at my expense with his comments about my being fat and slow during my pregnancy, suaku who will never read his blogs (the very reason why I started mine), my slimromatherapy sessions, etc. But I am truly concerned about his enlistment, the tough training he will undergo to say the least, like how all mothers would be worrying about their sons.

But FK will never go beyond the he he ha ha into his personal thoughts and feelings. Is our relationship so shallow that such personal stuff cannot be shared? Or that indeed there is a generation or professional gap which cannot be bridged. Whatever it is, I wish him all the best. He will be kept in my prayers.

Sabbaticle

2005-06-01T18:41:00.000+08:00

To my impossibly huge blog fan base out there, so sorry for my recent sabbaticle. Will be back in full steam soon... ...tomorrow... ...after yet another inspiring dinner date with my students.

Excitement

2005-05-16T10:47:00.000+08:00

I know I am not the one getting married but heh I really cannot hide my excitement upon hearing the great news that my beloved senior is getting married, finally. Finally as she is one so deserving of true love, her very own family and little ones but had been unlucky in meeting some real trashy guys until HE came by that is......the rest is fairy tale......with some sections of trembling arm exercises......hehehe......

She must be at the roof seeing this blog but knowing me, she should have known better that I can't keep my blogging fingers still. Just take it as my congratulatory message and wishing you and HIM well. Better start revamping that dusty draft of wedding emcee speech. And yes by the way big mama, if you are ever reading this, I WON the bet but LOST the chance at directorship of wellness.

Love Actually

2005-05-13T17:40:00.000+08:00

Over lunch with a student today, the conversation topic became the journey towards true love. She was lamenting about the scarcity of matured-thinking men, much less having one to herself, and popped the classic question of "When do you know he is THE ONE?" at me.

I nearly choked on my food, not on emotions like my friends would hypothesize (I have grown out of being a cry-baby), coz' I really didn't expect lunch topics to become so serious. I couldn't give her a satisfactory answer, (no Di, not because I have not found the one) but you see it was over lunch and my brain always takes on the total ignorance mode during that hour of the day.

Pondering over it since came to one conclusion: I have found THE ONE, not sure when but I just knew Di is THE ONE in a million. He is the father of our 3 lovely kids, my lover, my soulmate, my listening ear, my caretaker and occasionally my punching bag and verbally abused partner. Bottomline is I had never regretted marrying him.

I know that doesn't sound like a sound positive advice a teacher will give to a student on her question but that was how and when I knew. Was hunting high and low to insert a photo of MY ONE but to no avail. Now instead of ONE, I am hoping for TWO, no not TWO Dis but TWO readers to this blog, my student and MY ONE.

(Can picture my private-lives-conversational-topics-adverse friends puking away whilst reading this......)

Photos Finally

2005-05-11T14:07:00.000+08:00

If you are wondering why the blogging haitus, well I have been trying for the longest time possible (12 days to be exact) to post photos on my blog and had only succeeded until recently after a-constantly-avoiding-private-lives-conversation friend of mine taught me the ropes. (Did I just reveal that ShawXX is that friend?)

So here it goes, the first would be my source of motivation in life: my three little ones. Two with their mini cornettos while the youngest look on... with the support of PoPo...without the cornetto of course. How have my life changed since they came, but really did I have one to begin with?

Adios

2005-04-29T11:24:00.000+08:00

10 weeks ago, I embarked on the unknown journey to SGX to commence my attachment. Straight out of maternity leave was one thing, blending in with the work pace, dressing and culture was then my primary concern.

Thinking that it was the safest and most professional outfit I could possible squeeze myself into then, I came looking like a waitress in a white long sleeves shirt and black pants with my hair bun-up on my first day. Since then, I have improved. Today on my last day, I came in a hip slim pair of jeans, a tube top (of course under the camouflage of a shawl), with makeup and hair nicely let down.

I have indeed learnt and grown, not just dressing, but also corporate politics (a game play which I am terribly lousy at) and of course on the professional subject matter of xBRL. Friends I have made, networks that I have established, hunks and babes I have met at Raffles Square, all of which I will miss definitely or indefinitely.

Above all the good food, scenery and intellectual conversations, I think I will miss being a shenton way worker bean the most, a social status which I have never had a chance at since graduation.

Adios to all here and hello to Clementi Hill. It’s back to my auntie days again……

Angst

2005-04-27T09:26:00.000+08:00

Another big word thrown at me by my hubby this morning en-route to the MRT station. I was just sitting up, straighter than usual, so as to spare my hair from any mess due to contact with his sports car crouched seat when he said "Why, another angst of yours ah?"

Refusing to look any more stupid in front of him, I resolved to find out what "angst" mean. So here I am writing about it after surfing the net. It encapsulates a feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression.

Whilst messy hair does provoke anxiety in me but definitely not DEPRESSION, disturbance perhaps. Although it does not count amongst the plausible "angstable" issues for my hubby, it does for me.
His probable list of angst would include:

Fried food and meat not served for dinner;
Missing papers in the morning;
No toilets to bomb;
Frequent hunger pangs; and
Carbohydrate withdrawal.

His list does cause depression and severe too at most instances. Now I know the reason behind the infrequent use and unappreciation of the expensive mohawk gel I bought for him recently, it is not "angst-worthy".

Technology or Cruelty

2005-04-26T15:33:00.000+08:00

I have been pestering for a chance to visit the most happening place of the Singapore Exchange (SGX), the trading floor, since day one of my attachment. I mean what’s an attachment to SGX without visiting the floor?

Finally the rare opportunity, or perhaps the last (shall elaborate on this later), came knocking today, with the chaperone of 3 gentlemen, one boss and 2 ex-traders who were to be my tour guides later on. Amidst my excitement, I read up on the floor rules and dress code the day before just to make sure that I “fit in”, well maybe just not to stick out like a sore thumb as I always do.

After all the security clearances, I was finally THERE! At the first look, the first level saw some pseudo-empty pits, one with some lackluster trading between a few lonely traders and infrequent flickers on the trading board. Then we heard the bustling of screams and shouts at the level above us.

Curiosity got the better of me. We went to the happening pit during its last few trading moments for the day. The woman-folk crusader in me instinctively looked around to locate my same kind, only to be disappointed to spot only 2, but very pretty and aggressive I must say. The rest of the pit was dominated by the other kind, mostly spotting the latest “skin-head” and roving eyes. (Didn't I just say I tried to blend in with the crowd?) Although the boards of this pit were flickering much faster, I spotted yet some other empty pits. Did I just witness the last days of manual trading. Has technology gotten the better of us with electronic trading leaving many jobless with many more to come?

It’s a day of whilst many were free, few were busy on the trading floor. It leaves to be seen if this day will arrive in school. Thanks for this historic memory nonetheless.

Catholicism

2005-04-18T15:27:00.000+08:00

I have always been in search for the reason of being one non-practising Catholic. Most often than not, I attribute it to a pure lack of discipline more than anything else. Although this may sound very bimbotic (a state of mind incongruent with my age), I was finally "enlightened" on Sunday by a thought-triggering article on Sunday Times: that the differences between Catholicism rules and my own logical ones are compromising my faith. How else did I become a mother of three by late twenties?

Though not a very upbeat realisation, late is better than never. It leaves to be seen whether I can iron out this fundamental compromise or work out yet another one. God help my kids!

JL, HL & ASP

2005-04-12T14:05:00.000+08:00

At the popular request of JL, a senior whom I have always looked up to, today’s blog will be devoted to my lunch date with her, HL and ASP, code names of my lovers if you are wondering……

Although my agenda for lunch was really modest, just glad to have company for lunch finally, in town where my attachment is held, hers’ was commercially driven, that of instant stardom and publicity, via my blog.

And so over lunch, we talked about balding men (come to think of it JL seems to be excellent at drawing such attention, 3 and counting, see I promised instant publicity), committees allocation at work (thank God I am out if IT but maybe into ANOTHER), bets on JL wedding date (HL, think my odds are still better than yours) and maids (on this ASP always seem to have better luck than all of us).

Nearer the end of our lunch hour (or was that two), we drew much attention from the other diners when all of them insisted on paying, an honor deemed befitting only for yours truly. Although my current currency converter unit is in cans of milk powder, the “investment” today is made for commercial gains in time to come: JL for my directorship (of something sounding big but actually rather small like Director of Wellness), HL for Ethan’s companionship with Nigel in class and hers too in our new committee (keeping my fingers and toes crossed that she'll be my new boss), and ASP for yet another lunch date this Friday.

By the way, they all look good in their new hairdo leaving me with my auntie-looking bun yet again! I sure hope they are reading this.

Small Hands

2005-04-11T10:20:00.000+08:00

Over a weekend lunch to celebrate my father-in-law’s birthday, I overheard my brother-in-law, B, asking my hubby, D, this question over, “How do you hold a girl’s hand,” a question which brought back many fond memories. Not that my hands were held by that many men, just two actually, Nigel and D.

B is quite new to the courting and dating game. He had been going out with this girl, G, for sometime and was keen to take their relationship a little step further, hence his question.

As if he had seen and played much of the field, D almost instantaneously replied, “Like that la, I held her hands during our second date,” a response which bewildered B, as in only the second date? I choose to think that I was naïve then rather than ahem….”cheap”, as discussed in the Rule Book for Dating Games.

D then went on to list the many artificial hand-holding opportunities that B could generate, like crossing the road, pressing the lift, watching a horror movie, all of which was not practiced on me, made me wonder if they were techniques practiced on his other targets prior to me or maybe even after me. But these other targets, if indeed were in existence, must be quite sub-standard to have fallen for such no-brainers.

Finally, D sheepishly elaborated on how he held my hands at Marina Bay on 16 Jan 1994 (D, I bet my last dollar that you had forgotten the date!). He used the excuse to take a look at my right hand, placed it on his left before saying “Why your hands so small, very nice to hold.” He didn’t let go of it ever since.

I hope B is reading this as my warning would go “Don’t use the small hands trick on G. It is only meant for intelligent but young girls!”

Hormones

2005-04-08T19:56:00.000+08:00

It’s that time of the month again when my hormones get the better of me. This syndrome is commonly termed as Pre-Menstral-Stress (PMS). It is not so severe a condition that warrants medical attention, just my better half’s compassion, as always.

Who does it affect?
All comrades in the felinity tribe, post puberty and before menopause (yet another hormonal upheaval that affects our tribe, but increasingly thought to affect the other as well. Case in point: my better half, another topic that warrants the coverage of an entire new blog.).

When does it attack?
Just 2 to 3 days prior to the onset of the next cycle (if I ever get my predictions right that is. How else do you think I became the mother of three at such a tender age?)

Where does it hit?
Definitely the logical right brain, that explains the onset of my irrational self whenever the attacks surface.

How does it manifest?
Unreasonable outbursts like screaming at my better half for bombing the toilet 5 minutes longer than usual and forgetting to switch on the heater for my morning beauty bath, getting irritated with having to down a bottle of essence that my better half lovingly warmed up for me, insisting that my better half take the “supposed” shorter way to the MRT station and all other irritations with trivialities that would otherwise go unnoticed during my many other normal days.

Remedy?
SILENCE from my better half (he’s not termed better half for nothing) and ultimately the guilt (sigh…. another condition that warrants some attention) that surfaces just when the spasms subside.

Slice of Bread

2005-04-06T09:12:00.000+08:00

If the titles of the 2 recent posts suggest that I may be deprived of food, you are mistaken. In fact, there is always so much food at my dining table that I suspect that is the "cai wei" or source of wealth in my house.

However, an activity in Nigel's (my son, 2 years old and second in line to heirloom) weekend class made me think otherwise. The toddlers in the class were asked to use a plastic knife, scoop out some strawberry jam and spread the jam on a slice of bread. This activity was aimed at training their eye-hand coordination skills.

Without any procrastination, Nigel picked up a knife, stuck it into the bottle of jam, managed to scoop out some and started his artwork on a slice of bread. He was engrossed in his masterpiece whilst his classmates came by, DID IT and went on to other activities but Nigel was ALWAYS THERE. The novelty of this activity was captivating as he will NEVER EVER get such freedom at home under my mum's, his grandma aka supremo, supervision. Soon there was a stack of "art pieces" collected on the plate.

My pre-programmed logic suggested that these artwork were to be snacks during the toddlers' snack break. Then a teacher came by and told me otherwise, they were meant for the bin and many had found their final resting place since classes started in the morning.

“WHAT A WASTE!” I exclaimed, to which no response came. Actions spoke louder than words, Nigel and I embarked on our task to UNDO that waste, albeit slightly. Together, we ate up his one and only masterpiece. It tasted good I must say, was it the extra ingredient, Nigel’s saliva?

This learning activity was just inconceivable to me, that toddlers are taught to PLAY with bread and have them thrown away whilst many out there are starving? Perhaps......maybe......afterall I am just a cheap skate that would not even let go of ...... a slice of bread.

Stick of Satay

2005-04-05T13:27:00.000+08:00

"Wow! So expensive! A set meal from Delifrance is equivalent to my 2 meals for a day", a sentence overheard from a colleague whilst he was glancing through TODAY today. It brought back thoughts when I was savouring a stick of beef satay my hubby bought last evening. I was thanking God and my lucky stars for that stick of satay and many more in the bag for dinner last night.

Gone were the days when satays were never heard of nor served during meals. That every leaf of vegetable, grain of rice, drop of sauce had to be rationed. We were very POOR then. Sometimes my mum and I would survive on 6 small buns for $1 everyday. Surprisingly those buns tasted very good then. Better than the satays last night? Maybe......

Anyhow, I am glad that life has definitely changed for the better in affluence sense but contentment wise...... maybe...... maybe not......

Turning 30

2005-04-04T17:15:00.000+08:00

No prizes for guessing my age.

I had breakfast with my friends yesterday at Kallang McDonalds, not very glamorous I know but considering my friends, it was already quite an achievement to wake up in the early hours of the morning to have breakfast TOGETHER! What more a “sponsored” one, one lecturer amongst us “redirected” vouchers for our use. (Leave you to ponder what this “redirection” meant.)

And no prizes again for guessing our conversational topic, yes, how to celebrate our coming-of-age, turning 30. (Note the phrase “coming-of-age” is increasingly used for turning 30 in addition to turning 18 and 21).

Again, that one particular lecturer suggested a theme party for all to bring friends whom the others within the group do not know, to bring people associated with our love past or simply to dress like her. Whilst the last suggestion requires some effort to revamp our wardrobe with un-matching attires, as one of us commented as a-matter-of-factly, the first two suggestions would render our party with just US! What does that say about our social circles and love lives!

Nonetheless, I can’t help but think about my 30th birthday bash on my way home and what my hubby once said “To grow old gracefully”. Guess I would just have a simple party, my family and friends with my three little ones blowing my cake (with only one big candle please) for me and in my “graceful” attire, no more skimpy minis but maybe a decent top and bottom, matching of course.

The days of insecurities have finally come to an end, my hubby would exclaim after reading this blog.

Interesting BLOG

2005-03-30T15:43:00.000+08:00

The question of what makes an interesting blog came up after having read my pals’, my student’s, Xiaxue’s and my hubby’s unkind remarks about mine being boring. If one practises what one preaches, why won’t he start one?

Whilst my pals’ blogs gave me the inspiration to start one, Xiaxue’s and my student’s, code named FK henceforth, somewhat wavered that inspiration. (For those ignorant of Xiaxue, she’s one Singaporean teenage girl whose blog is visited so frequently that a company decided to sponsor her blog, xiaxue.blogspot.com)

A visit to Xiaxue’s blog brought forth loud vulgarities screaming into my eyes. Although FK’s was cleared of that sin, his was direct translations of thoughts in teenage lingo, as suspected by one Guest Blogger on sxxxxx.blogspot.com (hidden to preserve blog’s anonymity, not screaming vulgarity).

What happened to standard English writing? Shouldn’t we be penning our thoughts in presentable English sentences, in the least? Has the old school of thought, that good writing reflects a good author, become obsolete?

So my question to my self-proclaimed-but-no-practical-experience-blog-expert-hubby is, “Dear, besides your cosmetic advice on photos, which blog style in your opinion is appropriate and attractive?”.

THE END.

Touched

2005-03-29T14:15:00.000+08:00

Who says bosses are nasty? Mine made a trip all the way down town, from Clementi Hill, just to have lunch with me, or more specifically to buy me lunch, without any official agenda at all! Wow, what have I done to deserve this? I really meant the last sentence.

Then again it shouldn’t come as a surprise knowing that one of them took over some of my duties, not once but twice, when my pregnancies were made known. The other was always “banging tables” for me to get things done my way. I am not a manipulative person to begin with, you know?

I recalled one of my ex-boss ever said this, “A subordinate’s relationship with his boss is at best a love-hate one.” Am I lucky to have found 2 with whom I have love-love relationships with? Or is because of the luxury of time and humane presence in our academic industry that such bosses exist, which brings forth the point that humans are by nature nice and caring?

Whatever it is, I am indeed TOUCHED!

Have I Lost It

2005-03-28T09:01:00.000+08:00

Not so very long ago, I recall, I was very attuned to every new fashion trend, hairstyle or even lifestyle there were in the market place. In what Hokkiens might term as "seng mok", I call this the attribute of "situational awareness" (SA).

Then came pregnancy and motherhood, not once but thrice, and that threw me off the SA track. The following encounter best illustrated what I meant......

In an attempt to maximise all freebies that I could possibly set my hands on, I went on my first gym visit after donkey months, since Chloe (my youngest) was conceived, last Thursday. It was a promotional offer by a certain credit card company that entitled members 2 free visits to a reputable gym every month.

Armed with my big red bag, I embarked on this jittery journey during my lunch hour. Once aware of where big names were located, I found myself asking passers-by where the gym was. When I finally found my way to the reception counter, again I had to ask for directions to the changing room and lockers, only to be "conned" into buying a $1-looking-lock for $5 to use a locker.

Standing in front of the towel lady asking for towels would not amount to any SA I suppose but I did just that, only to be asked for my towel card which I only managed to find after minutes of ramaging through my big red bag. The best part was I could not even locate the toilets in the changing room to release myself prior to the workout. So as you might have guessed, I did it with a full bladder.

Thinking that my ordeal was finally over after washing up, I galantly walked towards the reception counter to sign out, only to be shown repeatedly to a corner to collect my sign in card. Of course, again I took some time and a trainer, unfortunately not quite good-looking, to help me with that simple DIY task.

Have I lost it? I know some of my "pals" would argue that I haven't as I never had it to begin with! Nonetheless, I am going to the gym again today, to recover some lost grounds.

Late or Not

2005-03-24T10:21:00.000+08:00

I had arranged to meet a student prior to work to return her autograph book at 0830 today. So being the ever-on-time me, I woke up earlier so as to be at the meeting place on time, or as usual, before time.

0820, I was there and, quite frankly, happy to be there earlier than my student. I just hate to make others wait for me, or for that matter, inconvenient others. That is just VERY ME and am proud of it.

0825, an sms came, "I'll be slightly late", to which I replied, "How late?". An almost instantaneous response came, "10 mins".

0845, we finally met.

Although I was quite happy sitting there waiting whilst digesting the shenton way morning fashion parade (and hopefully learn a style or two), I was nevertheless LATE for work this morning. Should I be annoyed? Has punctuality taken on a new definition in the younger generation leaving me, the dinosaur, still mulling over my ancient dictionary for "punctuality"?

Hypocrisy

2005-03-23T15:42:00.000+08:00

Lunch with an ex-boss and a visit to a friend recently, both of whom I used to love and hate all at the same time, made me wonder if I am a Practising Hypocrite (PH).

The dictionary defines hypocrites as persons who profess beliefs and opinions that they do not hold. Whilst lunches and visits do not qualify as beliefs and opinions but why do I actually bother to engage myself in these outings even though I used to not like them, remember? The mystifying outcome was that I actually enjoyed their company thoroughly????

Did my opinion of them change, is the situation different now, have I mellowed or have I matured such that those tough lessons delivered by my ex-boss then are now understood and appreciated? Or that the situation that my friend is facing now makes her more deserving of sympathy than grudges? Or have I aged such that I am much lonelier now, craving for any form of social interaction?

Maybe Baby

2005-03-22T11:05:00.000+08:00

Visiting a friend in hospital last evening because of a mis-carriage makes me wonder if I should have a baby number four. I mean here they are, trying hard to have a baby, when we can have but we choose not to. Aren't babies gifts from God above?